Tom Tuerff's Glob -- er, Blog, or something

2011-05-09T22:57:00.000-07:00

THE BASTARD'S DEAD. BUT THIS PICTURE IS TOO GOOD.

Let's celebrate the elimination of bin Laden by giving this very intense photo some new captions:

1. Their hopes shattered, the entire party at the Defense Department is ruined when, as the clock ticks down, it's obvious the Lakers are going to be swept by the Mavericks.

2. It became obvious early on that everybody came to Michelle's White House Tupperware Party as a favor, but nobody had any intention of actually buying anything.

3. Flabbergasted by her husband's unconquerable desire to leap out of the White House curtains naked, playing the saxophone, Hilary Clinton wonders if it isn't time to do something about Bill.

4. In the midst of one of the most exciting and important moments in recent history, Chief of Staff Bill Daley suddenly realizes he's terribly overdressed.

Add your own...

TT

2011-04-20T15:29:00.000-07:00

IN HONOR OF 4/20 (Which I still don't know what that has to do with dope):

The 10 Dumbest Things We Boomer Kids Were ‘TAUGHT’ about Marijuana By Cops Sent to Give the “Drug Talk”

Given an annual combination of school/church group/scout meetings etc., I would imagine that I heard a well-meaning cop give the “drug talk” about six times between the age of 12 and 15. The only difference with each passing year was the amount of stifled laughter emitted in the room by kids who, as they got older, were already heavily into drugs and knew we were being fed a load of horseshit.

These talks were always given by a well-meaning but ill-prepared policeman who really wanted to be out chasing bad guys. But the town I lived in didn’t have that many bad guys, so he had to give the drug talk.

You can’t really blame these guys for stretching the truth, but you got the distinct feeling sometimes that he didn’t really know all that much about drugs either, because HE didn’t use them.

Below is a list of 10 things I actually heard one cop or another say about marijuana. I could have brought up other drugs as well, but if you see what’s below you can only imagine what they told us about acid and all the other stuff.

GUARANTEE: AT ONE TIME OR ANOTHER, I, AS AN ADOLESCENT, HEARD AN ADULT POLICE OFFICER SAY ALL OF THESE THINGS:

1. All marijuana looks exactly the same. It’s a five-leaved, serrated plant. People carry the leaves around like that, so you’ll know it when you see it. (Apparently they carried it around pressed in a picture frame, like the cop did. I never saw anybody like that.)

2. If you take even ONE drag off of a joint, you will be INSTANTLY ADDICTED to Marijuana. And there is no cure.

3. If you take even ONE drag off of a joint, you stand a good chance of dying. (But officer, how can you be addicted to it if you die from it? Shut up, kid…)

4. A marijuana high causes horrible hallucinations and violent outbursts.

5. Marijuana will kill you faster than cigarettes.

6. Marijuana ALWAYS – let me repeat this, kids – ALWAYS – leads to other drugs. ALWAYS. (This is usually when he would pull out another picture frame with some pills and other things pressed into it. By the way, all LSD comes on cardboard pieces with Mickey Mouse’s picture on them.)

7. If you, a minor, are caught with marijuana on your person, both you and your PARENTS will be arrested – regardless of where you are when arrested.

8. There are only two slang terms for marijuana: Pot and MaryJane.

9. No one ever smoked marijuana before the 1950s. It’s rock music’s fault.

10. Marijuana can give you flashbacks, just like LSD.

2011-04-12T17:13:00.000-07:00

MY, HOW TIME FLIES.

Yes, I’m back with another blog entry. I really do want to start writing a alot again.

Apparently, about a month ago, a bunch of people who still write regularly in their blogs got on a Census thing; that is, sum up your life for every 10 years from birth. I’m 53, so this one’s a little off, but let’s see what I remember.

1957. Born 11/2 in Gary Indiana. Don't remember much, but I can tell you Wichita, Kansas was having some good rockin’ that night.

1967: Fourth Grade at St. Zachary’s School in Des Plaines, Illinois. My teacher’s name was something like Mrs. Gianowsky, pronounced Geh-NUS-kee. We lived in Mount Prospect, five miles from O’Hare. Planes flew about 700 feet over our house every 45 seconds. By now, we’d lived here almost 3 years and we were used to it. After a while you didn’t even hear them anymore.

1977: In my sophomore year at NAU. I have a Hopi roommate named Brad who’s majoring in cars. He’s married and goes home every weekend. However, this does not improve my chances of getting laid, since I’m pretty shy and don’t hold my beer very well. In about a month I get the opportunity to interview and take pictures of the Ozark Mountain Daredevils. I still have the pics and have, through Facebook and Yahoo and whatnot, sent many of them copies, which they love.

1987: Married for 6.5 years, with a 2.5-year-old son, Adam. I’m working at the Cowen Agency as a writer/producer. I love my job; I hate our clients. Playing music every Tuesday since ’82 with various friends.

1997: I have just finished cancer treatment; still seeing doctor occasionally for blood tests. I’m hosting open stage with Steve Bodinet at Fiddler’s Dream. The cancer, and my 20th high school reunion in ’86, gives me the impetus to write a song, Baby Boomer. I start thinking about recording.

2007: I have two CDs out. I’m working at a B2B agency that I really have no desire to stay at, but I’m not finding anything else. It’s beginning to show but the axe won’t fall for another year. It’s been a year since I last got played on the Dr. Demento Show.

Today: I’m not there anymore; I’m not in advertising anymore. Still trying to record CD number 3.

2011-04-12T16:42:00.001-07:00

Testing testing.

2011-02-25T17:45:00.000-08:00

DON'T HAVE A SPAZZ...IT'S A NEW ENTRY!

I found this neat site. Here's my blog run through Wordle.com, a word cloud toy that not only tells you what words you use a lot; it turns them into art.

title="Wordle: Most common words on my blog"> src="http://www.wordle.net/thumb/wrdl/3216364/Most_common_words_on_my_blog"
alt="Wordle: Most common words on my blog"
style="padding:4px;border:1px solid #ddd">

2010-02-23T13:35:00.000-08:00

AT LEAST IT'S NOT THE SLAUGHTERHOUSE-FIVE INDY 500

Worst sponsored tournament name ever: The Waste Management Phoenix Open.

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This Saturday at Club Red: Romantasy Cabaret kicks off its fourth year. Come see it! Club Red is at University and the 101.

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Does anybody really care enough to watch the Winter Olympics? I know I'm not.

TT

2010-02-19T14:26:00.000-08:00

"I'D LIKE TO APOLOGIZE BECAUSE MY THERAPIST SAID I SHOULD"

Did any of you get the idea that Tiger Woods's apology speech today was highly rehearsed? The words sounded remarkably like that stuff that addiction therapists beat into your brain in order to keep you from doing what you were doing that brought you to their intention in the first place.

One upside to it: For the first time ever, we all saw Tiger Woods getting emotional. I was convinced that he was simply a golfing robot. He has no ability to talk about anything else, and even when he talks about golf it's like rote.

I don't watch golf; I don't care, but I know the golf community cares because this guy is the ONLY guy that non-golfers tune in to watch. He should have done this months ago.

But then of course, he had to wait for the teeth that Elin didn't break with the golf club she didn't swing in his face to not heal because nothing like that happened. Yeah, right.

Now that you can talk without lisping through the fake teeth, enjoy your new denture plate, Tiger.

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I'm at the Alwun House tonight, 8 p.m. for the Erotic Music and Poetry Festivus, and at Fiddler's Dream tomorrow night for the first set at 8 p.m.

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Our washing machine broke. Dammit.

TT

2010-02-17T13:39:00.000-08:00

THERE'S NO TIME LIKE NOW...

Actually, there's not much time. But I have some. So here's what's up lately:

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I'm a busy boy this weekend:

Friday: Alwun House Erotic Music and Poetry Festivus. 8 p.m. Fun. Show up. 12th Street and Roosevelt.

Saturday: Fiddler's Dream, 17th St. and Glendale. Also fun. Show up. 8 p.m. (I'm on first this time.)

Sunday: Rehearsal for 2/27. What's 2/27? Romantasy Cabaret, of course! Our first show of the new Season! New acts! New comedy! New nearly naked women! www.brownpapertickets.com!

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Attended the Alwun House's Exotic Art Show opening last Friday. We always show up about an hour before the doors open, which was a good idea because the place was PACKED LIKE SARDINES. At least we got chairs.

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My boys' band Thunder Stump is being flirted with by a local punk label. Go see them. Their next gig is March 13 at Donna Jean's Libations, 67th Avenue and Bell.

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Our washing machine has bit the dust. The dusty dust. Dust diddy dust dust dust. Gotta buy a new one. Rats.

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I promise not to be so late to post here again. Facebook can't have ALL my pointless comments.

TT

2009-11-09T05:58:00.000-08:00

HI, I'M BACK...

I haven't forgotten about this blog; just haven't had much to say. Please stand by and I'll start ranting again soon.

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Go Cards!

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Given the horrible incident at "Fort Hood," I'm beginning to think "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" should be switched from sexual preference to religious preference.

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I went to my first NHL hockey game last week! It was fun! I will expound more on this soon.

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Yes, I promise there will be more new Zappa Universe shows. I just don't know when. But soon.

TT

2009-09-14T21:21:00.000-07:00

I REALLY DON'T NEED TO SAY ANYTHING HERE...

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Tomorrow (Tuesday) night, Thunderstump plays the Big Fish Pub on University! 9 p.m.!

Friday night! 9 p.m. It's ME at the MadCap Theatre, on Mill in Tempe at what used to be a Harkins Multiplex but it died!

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Sorry I haven't been posting much; I'm never near the computer when I'm inspired. I'll bet better, I promise.

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Happy 44th Birthday, Pat!

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Yes, I've bought a couple of the Remastered Beatles (TM) albums: Revolver and "The Beatles." They sound bright and nice but I think they kinda overdid "Tomorrow Never Knows."

TT

2009-08-30T19:26:00.000-07:00

FORTUNATELY I'M TOO PROUD TO BE JEALOUS

My kids have a band. I've mentioned that.

They're really good. I've mentioned that, too.

They're playing this FRIDAY the 3rd at Donna Jean's Libations, 67th Avenue and Bell at 9 p.m. $3.00 admission. They're first, followed by the Hung Dynasty (maybe the best name for a rock band EVER) and Tell Me About the Rabbits, maybe the WEIRDEST name for a rock band ever.

But here's the cool thing. The guys have played like, five gigs or so and they're already having to TURN DOWN GIGS because they're booked already.

I can't remember the last time I had to do that.

I don't know if I've EVER had to do that.

Please come out this Friday and check them out. They're REALLY REALLY good and funny.

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Okay, I've seen three amazing videos this week:

Number 1: A friend of mine called this maybe the best thing he's ever seen. I won't go that far but it's definitely up there on my list of "must sees..."

Then there's the new one by Weird Al Yankovic and Jib Jab, which I'm not allowed to embed so you have to click here:

And then...there's this.

I dunno...I certainly would've watched it on Saturday Mornings in the 60s...

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The place where I work is currently looking for a front desk person. You need to be fluently bilingual. (English/Spanish.) If you're interested and you don't mind driving to freakin' GILBERT every day, let me know.

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Went to a party last night hosted by a local group of fans called the Dark Ones. It was a lot of fun with a lot of free food and it's amazing how often the "small world" syndrome kicked in last night...

TT

2009-08-21T06:47:00.000-07:00

SOMETIMES, PLAYING MUSIC IS ALL YOU NEED

My friend Pete alerted me to the fact that a bunch of local musicians were going to converge on the Yucca Tap Room at Southern and Mill on Wednesday night to play Bob Dylan covers. And one of those people was going to be Jim Beach, who, 30 years ago this week, became my college roommate for the last semester that I was actually at NAU (I finished up in 3.5 years; interned the last semester and became the advertising mogul in my mind that you don't see today.)

Along with Jim's cousin Perry, who lived two doors down in the dorm, we formed a formidable band called the Rocky Mountain Oysters. We played some of the finest sandwich shops in Flagstaff and made enough buzz to get written up in the paper right before the semester ended and we broke up.

Here we are in all our young glory, 30 years ago. Me, Jim, Perry.

Since my wedding in 1981, I've seen Jim twice. We hadn't played music together since 1981 and I hadn't seen him since the late 90s when he was in a band called the Royal Normans. Then he moved to Texas for a while.

So I figured I'd go watch all these local luminaries play Dylan Tunes and maybe I can crash the party and play a couple songs myself.

Jackpot on both counts! I got there before anybody and shortly after that, Hans Olson, with whom I have a mild acquaintance, walked in. So we had a beer and talked for about an hour when finally Mark Zubia, who was running the show and whom I had not met, wandered in. He mentioned a couple of cancellations, and despite my best "Me, Sir! Me, Sir!" he didn't get the message. So a little later, when Walt Richardson walked in, I plied the grease. I met Walt earlier this year when we did a gig together and reintroduced myself. He introduced me to Mark and Mark says he can put me on right before Jim Beach.

And then on cue, in walks Beach. Surprise, hugs, hey, guess what -- we're gonna play together!

We are?

Yes.

So the idea was to be sure that everybody did different songs so that there wasn't 10 different versions of Blowin' in the Wind. We figured out that nobody had taken "Buckets of Rain" or, oddly, "All Along the Watchtower," so I did those songs with Jim playing along. Just like 30 years ago. Totally. Cool.

What a night. I'm still stoked.

Tomorrow night is REALLY a night. I'm part of the latest version of Romantasy Cabaret at Club Red -- With EXTRA NUDITY and luscious creamy center. Please come.

To the SHOW. Get your mind out of the gutter.

Then Sunday, same location, other bar -- Red Owl, 101 and University, my boys' band takes the stage at 5:30 p.m. Come down and check them out!

TT

2009-08-15T08:04:00.001-07:00

HEY, IT'S NOT LIKE HE'S AS BIG AS, OH, I DUNNO, BEYONCE...

Well, Bob Dylan now knows how it feeeeeels...

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LOOK!!! My kids have a band! And they're great!

That's Brendan on Guitar and Adam on the drums. David the Keyboard player isn't my kid but he's a great guy and a great keyboard player.

Their next gig is next Sunday, Aug. 23 at 5:30 at the Red Owl in Tempe, at the 101 and University. It's free! Come on by!

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MY next gig is TONIGHT! Kozy Cactus across from PV mall in the Target strip mall. 8 p.m. Good food! Come on out!

TT

2009-08-06T06:10:00.000-07:00

JUST BECAUSE IT'S THURSDAY...

Here's something weird...

Apparently, ukelele orchestras are big in Europe. Britain, especially, where there are three or four of them actually making a living.

I wonder what Kate Bush thinks of that...ah what the hell, she got her nickel. Or shilling or whatever they're using over there now.

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While my gigs are few and far between currently, my sons' band Thunderstump keeps piling them up. This weekend on Friday night they're at the Firehouse Art Gallery on First Street north of Roosevelt from 9-10. Check 'em out, it's free.

Then on August 23 I drive Adam's drum kit out to the Red Owl, 101 and University, for a gig. Time TBA. (It's the night after Romantasy Cabaret, literally next door in Club Red and YOU BETTER BE BUYING TICKETS NOW at www.brownpapertickets.com because I've SEEN it. I'm going to the dress (or un-dress) rehearsal Sunday. Hoo Boy.)

Then, on the first Friday of September they play at Donna Jean's Libations, 67th Avenue and Bell. 9 also.

There's also talk of them playing at the Firehouse AGAIN sometime in the near future.

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I have about four songs half-written in my head and they won't progress, dammit.

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I mentioned this on Facebook last night but it's more permanent here: I would think, that when you become coherent enough to realize that your first name is PLAXICO, that you would come to the realization that you are the ONLY person named PLAXICO on the planet. You are the only person named PLAXICO who has EVER been on the planet. And realizing how unique you are -- that you're the only human with a name that immediately ranks you with the Moon Units, Dweezils and Zowies of the world, it would seem to me that you would go OUT OF YOUR WAY to never do anything so STUPID as to carry a concealed weapon into a bar in a state where that sort of thing is illegal, and then SHOOT YOURSELF IN THE LEG WITH IT. Especially when, just two years ago you caught the winning pass in the Super Bowl using your hand and your helmet. You were popular Plaxico then. You were a star. Now you're just an idiot looking at jail time. I mean, it's not like you can point the blame at somebody else: "Sorry officer, you got the WRONG Plaxico!"

Oh -- and dude, the hat thing just isn't working.

TT

2009-08-03T12:58:00.000-07:00

OKAY, JULY'S OVER, THANK YOU FOR PLAYING OUR GAME

I think that when it comes to terrible weather, this July is pretty up there with other terrible months I can remember. It didn't really rain much so we didn't get the "nature's reward" for putting up with the crap heat. We're in to August now, which is never much better but at least there's light at the end of the tunnel.

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And there are reasons to be outside: This Friday during First Friday festivities downtown my sons' band Thunderstump is playing from 9-10 p.m. at the Firehouse on First Street just north of Roosevelt! It's free and they're funny! Come see!

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I have a gig on Saturday the 15th at the Kozy Cactus, outside of PV mall in the Target parking lot. Good food, cheap. Eat dinner and watch me make you choke on it.
8 p.m.

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My wife had a birthday last weekend and received a GPS system from me and lots and lots of cake.

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Bob Dylan is in town a week from Tuesday. Which is why I'm not going, unless somebody drops tix in my lap.

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I'm starting another blog which will be about my experiences in this entirely new environment of working with the computer-savvy, of which I am not. When I'm happy with what I'm posting I'll let you all know about it.

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We were at a party last weekend and one of the attendees brought along her kids, the youngest of whom is 18. Somebody mentioned that the 40th anniversary of the Woodstock Festival was coming up and I heard the kid ask her mom, "What was Woodstock?"

You can now feel old. Go right ahead.

That weekend 40 years ago, I wasn't really that far from the Woodstock festival. My family was across the state in Buffalo, New York, visiting old family friends. Their family had two 18-year-old identical twin daughters who were really debating going (if they did I would've hidden in their car trunk just to go) but once they heard that the freeway near the site was closed due to the traffic, they decided not to try.

If you've never seen "Woodstock," the movie, you should. It won the Oscar for best documentary in 1970 for good reason; it's mesmerizing. Nowadays you can only get the "Director's Cut," which is good too but plan bathroom breaks. Which is more than someone at Woodstock could have done.

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Woodstock is one of those events where more people who were ever there probably say they were there because they know they can get away with it, or because they've talked themselves into BELIEVING they were there. It's like Bobby Thomson's home run in 1951 that won the pennant for the NY Giants. (THE GIANTS WIN THE PENNANT! THE GIANTS WIN THE PENNANT!) In interviews, Thomson has said that he has met at least twice the number of people who could have been in that stadium that day who all swear they were there. Even people who clearly weren't old enough.

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Tickets are on sale for the next Romantasy Cabaret, Aug. 22. Get 'em now. This is gonna be one HOT show. I know 'cause I was at rehearsal yesterday. Yikes! Go to www.brownpapertickets.com immediately!

TT

2009-07-19T09:41:00.000-07:00

NOTE TO CONSPIRACY THEORISTS WHO SAY WE NEVER WALKED ON THE MOON:

Get over it, assholes.

Need more? GO to the NASA site. My favorite is Apollo 14. You can see all kinds of stuff.

40 years ago, I was 10. Tomorrow, the 20th, was a Sunday and I, like billions of other people around the world, stopped whatever I was doing and watched the moon landing. More important, I watched the reaction of the faces of my parents, who were suddenly watching the science fiction of their youths coming true. I remember my mom saying, "This is really happening!" in a wonderful tone of believing disbelief.

I watched the men walk on the moon, and then I went out and rode my bike, taking more than a couple of stops to look up at the moon and realize, shit, there's two guys up there!

Never mind that all we really got out of the Apollo project was the definite determination that the moon is a giant rock. We should go back. Just because we can.

And before Richard Branson gets there first.

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We are in the middle of summer, for sure; a time when you can water the garden every day and the plants still shrivel up and die. But I persevere.

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We recently made the switch from Mac to PC. I went kicking and screaming and I feel like I've lost a testicle but at least the thing works, which my Mac wasn't.

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I am almost totally devoid of gigs at the moment. And I haven't played an open mic in almost a month. I really need to get out more.

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Gordon Waller died yesterday. So in his honor, let's all sing!

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I really like Facebook. I've found so many people from my past and it's fun to catch up. You all have really interesting jobs...

TT

2009-07-13T12:55:00.000-07:00

ARE THEY HANDING OUT APPLICATIONS FOR THE DARWIN AWARDS NOW, OR WHAT?

I swear, I didn't make this up.

(I can just hear this guy thinking to himself: 'That'll show my wife.I told her I don't need a f*cking MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!

Or This.

Three in one day!

Read 'em now 'cause they tend to disappear after a couple days...

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My kids' band, Thunderstump, kicked butt at the Firehouse on Friday night. They were stoked. People want their CD. But they don't have one.

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I need to find me some gigs. I'm all dried up until Romantasy next month.

TT

2009-07-08T06:02:00.000-07:00

THREE CHEERS FOR PRESIDENT OBAMMER

Look I'm not gonna say that we're much better than everybody else, but when presented with foreign-sounding names, our media people at least TRY to pronounce the names of foreign dignitaries correctly.

Not so the British.

I am always AMAZED at the ways British reporters mangle the pronunciation of names for people who aren't Brits. I'm told many of them do this on purpose, a kind of nose-thumbing at societies they still feel superior over even though they haven't been much of a power for about 150 years.

Case in point: I was listening to BBC News Service on NPR last night and heard a report about our president's trip to Russia. Did you know our president is named "Berrick Obammer?"

While he was there he met with former president (now Russian PM) VladEEmeer Pyootn.

Oh, and God help you if you're French. Right, Jack Chuh-rack?

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Played a great show at Westercon last weekend. Nobody took any pictures though, so here's a shot of me playing in a bar:

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Some wires burned out in a phone box down the street from our house a few days ago. It basically screwed up our phone for a while so if you couldn't get through, it's fixed now.

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The only thing that could have made that funereal fiasco for Michael Jackson yesterday even worse would have been if they'd sold advertising. Don't think they didn't consider it.

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This Friday, 10 p.m. at the Firehouse on First St. N. of Roosevelt: THUNDERSTUMP! My kids' band! They're funny! They rock! It's FREE! Show up!

TT

2009-06-26T06:20:00.000-07:00

NO, JUST BECAUSE WE WERE THE SAME AGE AND BORN IN THE SAME PLACE, I DIDN'T KNOW HIM.

The general reaction around the office yesterday to Michael Jackson's unexpected (I won't say untimely; come on, the guy was on borrowed time anyway) demise was one of generally detached shock; like, "wow! No shit? Okay, back to work."

That the guy was a sick freak is no secret. That he could sing like nobody's business (although I always thought Jermaine was the better singer) is unquestioned.

We moved out of Gary when I was 7, but we'd return regularly to visit relatives since we lived less than an hour away over in Mt. Prospect, closer to dad's job in Chicago. I can't tell you how many times on visits when I'd see posters tacked to telephone poles advertising live shows -- rock shows, soul shows, pop shows, etc -- featuring some headliner act and then scores of local acts. The Jackson Five were ALWAYS on those posters. Papa Joe would book these kids to play the opening of an envelope, and they'd deliver, apparently.

So when they made it, I certainly knew who they were.

If you ask me, and you won't so I'll tell you anyway, the J5's best song is their first single, "I Want You Back." Sure, the genius is in the arrangement, and the lyrics (it is a GREAT frikkin' song) but what makes it work is Michael's INCREDIBLE vocals; the soul of a 30-year-old man in a 10-year-old kid. His sudden transformation from little kid voice in the verses to the SOUL MONSTER in the chorus (HO, BABY GIMME ONE MO' CHAAAAAAAAAANCE...)is one of the most arresting moments in music.

That said, I was never that much of a Jackson Five fan. And I never really got into Michael the solo artist. I do own a copy of "Thriller" because somebody gave it to me. (I met Quincy Jones once, but we didn't talk about MJ. We talked about Dinah Washington. Long story.) However, I thought I would try to compile a list of five Jackson Five songs that I really like:

1. "I Want You Back." That's a given.
2. "Never Can Say Goodbye." Again, a great song, delivered with real class. (Written, incidentally, by Clifton Davis, the actor of "That's My Mama" and "Amen" fame.)
3. "Dancing Machine." Automatic. Systematic. Oooooh Bop diddy Bop.
4. "I Am Love." Same album as the song above; didn't get much airplay because it's like four hours long but it's a REALLY good song.
5. "Little Bitty Pretty One," a cover song for the Jacksons. I had to put a Jermaine song on here. (Jermaine did good covers. He had a solo hit with Shep and the Limelites' "Daddy's Home," and I dare say did it just a little better.)

I never much liked "I'll Be There;" "The Love You Save" was too whiny, "Maybe Tomorrow" was just a poor man's "Never Can Say Goodbye."

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In the collegiate school year of 1976-77, there were easily several thousand men attending Northern Arizona University. In my memory, there were at least eight dormitories on campus to house the guys, including the co-ed dorm I was in that year.
And I can tell you that for every room housing a male person on that campus, indeed, for every MALE on campus, I'm sure you could have found at least two copies of the Farrah Fawcett poster. (Oddly enough, my dorm room was Farrah-devoid. I had a poster from "200 Motels" on my wall and my roommate had a poster of Secretariat.
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Note to those of you who think you might want to be "a little famous": pick your death day carefully.

Sky Saxon died yesterday, too. Look him up. If you're a boomer, you'll know him immediately.

Oh hell, here. (And yes, that's Casey Casem at the beginning.)

Doncha love how Saxon appears incapable of pretending to sing and pretending to play the bass at the same time?

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Tomorrow I am at the Flagstaff Folk Festival and the Coconino Arts Center on Fort Valley Road! I'm on the Pioneer Stage at 4:40! SHOW UP! Death is not an option! You're not getting out of it THAT easy...

TT

2009-06-21T16:33:00.000-07:00

STRANGEST. INTERVIEW. EVER.

...and people ask me why I like Frank Zappa so much...

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Played "Seven Minutes in Heaven" at Space 55 last night. It was PACKED. They had chairs on stage. I WOWED 'em. I think I'm getting pretty good at this entertaining stuff.

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Today's "Father's Day and I got "Happy Happys" from both boys. So I'm happy.

TT

2009-06-17T21:13:00.001-07:00

WHEN IT RAINS, IT'S A GOOD BET YOU'RE PROBABLY NOT HERE

It actually drizzled in my neighborhood this morning.

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Weird Al has a new video out:

Funny stuff...and yes, that's Ray Manzarek playing...

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This Saturday I'm at Space 55, 7th st. and Pierce for Seven Minutes in Heaven! Same drill as the other Seven Minutes Shows (You Tube me for examples)...

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A week From Saturday: Flag Folk Festival!

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Last week's Romantasy Cabaret was fun as usual.

I think it's important for you to know what you're missing when you don't come to these shows:

Yeah, my job really sucks... (Photo by Joe "Santa" McKiernan)

Santa is one great photographer, doncha think?

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I'm on four panels at Westercon this year, plus a concert. Fourth of July weekend, Tempe Mission Palms...

TT

2009-06-06T22:12:00.000-07:00

COMPARING SATURDAYS

28 years ago, June 6 was on a Saturday, just like this year. Jan and I got married that day.
It was 106 degrees out when the wedding commenced in the late afternoon.
The air conditioner in Temple Beth Israel, where the ceremony and the reception took place, blew out shortly before we showed up for the ceremony. They got it working in the reception area but the temple was an oven. We agreed to make it as short as possible.
The wedding photographer spent the bulk of the photo session pushing my glasses back up my sweaty nose.
The flower bouquets for the bridesmaids and bride arrived at the Jewish Temple neatly designed in the shape of the cross.
Much rearranging was quickly done.
We got married; we partied.
Most weddings are excuses for the parents to invite people; ours was no different. The party was populated with relatives mostly, lots of my dad's business associates, my coworkers at the time and yes, a few of our friends.
We're still in touch with most of our friends from that time.
But some things have changed, as they will after 28 years.
Of the parents, only my mom, the bulletproof Mary Lou, is still with us, just turned 80 and just fine, thank you.
The more ancient guests in the wedding pictures are, of course, now memories, except for my equally bulletproof Aunt Marcella, who's now 92 and I wouldn't be surprised if she was climbing Everest at the moment.

As for the wedding party, most of us are still here and doing well; only my sister is gone.

We got some weird gifts. A very good friend of our family's sent us a very strange thing, two wooden bases with three holes each in them, accompanied by two long white rods made out of...something. We didn't have the heart to ask the giver WTF it was, on the off chance that part of it had fallen out during shipping which would have made it plain as day what it was. So our thank you note said "Thanks for the lovely gift! It was the perfect idea. Very unique."

And it was. We had that thing for years. Brought it out at parties and had people guess what it was. We never did figure it out. It may still be here somewhere...

A business associate of my dad's sent us an elaborate Waterford Crystal bowl. It was so nice that we felt unworthy using it, and actually didn't for about ten years.

Moving forward to this Saturday:

The high temperature today was 92.

Our air conditioner is fine.

The building that was Temple Beth Israel is now a Phoenix College Cooking School.

If I wanted to bring all the surviving members of the wedding party together, I could, because we're all still here in Phoenix.

A lot has changed, but I'm still married to my beautiful Janice and I love her more than ever.

And we still laugh like crazy when we talk about that bizarre gift.

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Ticket are going fast for next Saturday's Romantasy Cabaret Show at Club Red! Go to www.brownpapertickets.com and buy some! Show up! These things are fun! New Times Best of Phoenix and all that!

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Doncha hate it when you're in a store and you hear a CD that they're playing and it's AMAZING and you want it and THEY"RE OUT OF IT????

Steve Martin's new album "The Crow." Holy. Moley. MUST. FIND. COPY. I know this is blasphemous but the guy's almost as good as Earl Scruggs.

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Speaking of Steve Martin, did anybody see him and Paul Simon on Jimmy Fallon's show this week? Goooood stuff...

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Conan O'Brien should've taken over for Leno years ago. I actually look forward to being awake at 10:30 again.

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My kids' band, Thunderstump, got their second gig: July 10 at the Firehouse, 1st Street and Roosevelt! Free! Woo Hoo! Go see them! I will!

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Come down to the Trunk Space this Wednesday! I'm playing with five other acts starting at 7 p.m.! it's on Grand, just north of the Roosevelt/Grand/15th Avenue intersection. $7! Come see! (Scroll down a couple of blog entries and check out the blue postcard with more info.)

TT

2009-05-30T07:27:00.000-07:00

HE DID IT! HE DID IT! THEY SAID HE COULDN'T DO IT BUT INDEED, HE DID!

Congratulations, Brendan!

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I played a birthday party last night. I love those. Play, get money, shmooze, hang out with cool people, eat cake, go.

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Is the economy really getting better or are people just saying that to make gas prices go up?

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Personally the economy got a lot better in March when I found a job.

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Next gig: good question! Hang on a minute...its around here somewhere...ah, yes! June 10! Scroll down to my previous post and the big blue card.

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My song "I Saw Your Daughter In A Porno" has been getting picked up by people and put on their myspace sites. Nice to know you people are a bunch of sickies...

TT

2009-05-25T13:23:00.000-07:00

MEMORIAL DAY MEANDERINGS

My kids' band, Thunderstump, played their first paying gig that other night and I thought they were great. So did everybody else who came at our invitation. They are actively looking for more places to play. Contact Brendan at neonnimrod@gmail.com

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I did a pretty good set opening for them too -- but did they bother to pay ol' dad a portion of their take from the bar? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...

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I've been playing a lot of Wednesday gigs lately. Here's the next one--mark it down...

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We had a party for my mom at the Phoenician last night. She turned 80 last week and she has all the pep of someone half her age. Hopefully I'll be like that when I'm her age and she's 110 and starting to slow down.

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Headed to Pete and Donna's house for late afternoon pool and music party. Woo. Hoo!

TT

2009-05-20T23:48:00.000-07:00

DID Y'EVER NOTICE...

...many of the best songwriters in modern music really can't sing worth a whit?

Randy Newman. Burt Bacharach (UGH). Leon Russell.

Still others are merely okay. Irving Berlin could sing, but he had a HORRIBLE New York accent that didn't go away when he sang.
O-vah THEHHHHH. O-vah THEHHHHHHH.

...that whenever there's a cop behind you while you're driving, you find yourself wondering how many months ago you had your last alcoholic drink?

...that some people will go positively out of their way to deny they ever lived/worked/existed somewhere? I know a guy who I worked with here in town from about 1980 to 1982. He was a popular award-winning ad writer here until about 1984 when he went to an agency in California and promptly wrote the "California Cooler" "Papa Oom Mow Mow" commercials and suddenly Clios started flying out of his ass.

He now says he's been in the business for 25 years -- conveniently forgetting several years he was here and at other agencies prior to that In California.

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This Saturday: Darwin's, 36th and Indian School. 10 p.m. I'm opening for my kids! Come out! PLEEEEEEASE.

TT

2009-05-20T06:54:00.001-07:00

HERE'S WHAT YOU'RE DOING TONIGHT!

If you live on the east side, grab your lush friends and come on over to the Vintage! I'm on from 7-8 so it'll be an early night. Plus, they gave me this cool poster! How can you resist that?

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Went over to my friend Nancy's this past weekend and watched some very cool videos, ate pizza and had a good time with friends. And it wasn't even a holiday weekend!

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My schedule is filling up like popcorn in a jiffypop pan. Yay!

TT

2009-05-17T12:53:00.000-07:00

LINKS AND GENERALITIES FOR SUNDAY

I haven't been on for a while so I figured I'd remedy that.

First of all, GIGS:

Wednesday, 7-8 p.m.
Vintage Bar at Fourth and Mill, upstairs, Tempe. SHOW UP!

Saturday, 10 p.m.
Darwins, 36th and Indian School next to Mama Java's. SHOW UP!
My sons' band, Thunderstump, is headlining and I'm opening for them!

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It's f***ing hot out. Wanna know how I know?

Click here.

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Last night I was seeking out great TV performances on YouTube from my youth. Below are a few. (I may have posted one or two of these before but they're worth posting again.

First off: Stevie Wonder and band, 1972, LIVE on Sesame Street. Yes, Sesame Street. (This is maybe the best live version of this song I've run across. They just kick it.)

And here's Focus on the Midnight Special, circa 1973...

From the long-lamented "Night Music" Program, a performance YOU SIMPLY MUST SEE:

Leonard Cohen sings his very eerie "Who By Fire" backed by Was Not Was and special sax accompaniment by Sonny Rollins. I guarantee you that when this song finishes you will discover that you've been holding your breath for a while. You can almost hear the audience exhaling. This is one of the most amazing performances ever televised.

Same program, different night: Todd Rundgren and Taj Mahal perform Gilbert and Sullivan. You might hold your breath here too but for an entirely different reason. (This is FUNNY stuff.)

Enjoy!

TT

2009-05-07T22:43:00.000-07:00

ALL OF A SUDDEN, I'M BUSY AGAIN

Suddenly I'm really popular on Wednesdays. Yesterday I played a Radio Show:

This appearance at the Vintage bar on Mill got me an hour gig there on 5/20. 7-8 p.m. Come see me!

Next Wednesday I'm playing a gig at an OLD FOLKS HOME! Hoo Boy!

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This Friday the 7th, Me, Nancy Freeman and BJ Fisher (I think that's her name) are playing at Fiddler's Dream, 17th St. and Glendale, starting at 8! BE THERE!

TT

2009-04-29T19:52:00.000-07:00

MMMM-MMM! THEM'S A TASTY LOTTERY TICKET!

A co-worker came in today and put a losing lottery ticket on my desk. It was one of these:

"Smell it," he says.

Damn thing smells like cinnamon candies!

Hopefully they won't do "Mother's Day Roses..."

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Okay, if you haven't read the entry from a few days ago about "the CATCH," go read it then come back here.

Janice was cleaning out the garage today when she found...

...the Uniform!

Here it is in all of my ten-year-old glory, 41 years later:

But check this out: My wife is SO TINY, she could BUTTON THE SHIRT!

And yes, it was TIffany Coiffures. I wasn't kidding...

TT

2009-04-27T21:43:00.000-07:00

SO, PAUL IS DEAD...JUST NOT THAT PAUL...

This story is over a year old, but I hadn't heard about it.

Paul Cole died.

You don't know Paul Cole? That's funny, because chances are you have a picture of him in your home, or you know someone who does...

You always wondered who that guy was, didn't you? Well, now you know.

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I'm getting used to driving to Gilbert every day. Still don't like it but I'm getting used to it every day. Getting the hang of my job, too -- and I actually DO like it. Most of it. Except for that. And that thing there. But that? That's cool.

TT

2009-04-26T08:19:00.000-07:00

I AM ONE LUCKY S.O.B. ...

...to be a part of the bi-monthly, continually-evolving show that is Romantasy Cabaret!

Last night's show was...how can I put this...FREAKING AMAZING. It was one of those great times doing live theatre (because that's really what it is) where the audience went from an oil painting to a frenzy in a little under three hours.

Those of us who do this show (and YOU can do it, too, if you have an act that works in a burlesque/vaudeville venue -- ask me how!) do it entirely for fun. If there are tips, we split 'em in a fair but certainly not even way (for example, if your act requires nudity -- holy CRAP there was a lot of that last night -- it would stand to reason that you might get a bit more for your trouble than, say, a man who performs a stand-up routine in a tux. But of course, tips only happen after the venue is paid, the security is paid, the media is paid, etc. etc.

So we do this for FUN!

I had a lot to do in the show last night. Jan and I had worked up a comedy bit concerning two spies which we debuted last night with a very uncooperative stage prop. But we survived. We also performed, for the second time, a bit we did in the last show; a short silent movie parody of the "YOU MUST PAY THE RENT! -- I CAN'T PAY THE RENT!" variety. It went over like gangbusters and got the oil painting laughing early.

I played a four-song set of music between the second and third act and most of the crowd stuck around to hear it, and I even got in on one of the classy stripper acts in the third act, where all the aforementioned nudity is (well, okay, most of the nudity this time; did I mention there was a LOT of nudity in this particular version of the show?), by playing her music for her. (I'm not going in to details because we might pull it out at a future show, and then you'd be there and know what was gonna happen.)

Everybody I talked to who came to see the show last night, and who had seen other performances, called this one the best ever. Even with an incredible number of backstage and on-stage unforeseen calamities, I believe they're right.

Congrats, one and all! Can't wait to do it again...

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With all the stuff I had to do yesterday I missed the opportunity to see Michi Regier at Fiddler's Dream's Spring Festival. Michi's the greatest living fiddle player I personally know and she came down from Illinois to do the gig (and visit family I presume). She has a new CD that is simply AMAZING which you should now go to CDBaby.com and buy.

And while you're there, there's this guy named Tuerff who has two CDs you oughta have in your collection if you don't already...

TT

2009-04-23T23:42:00.000-07:00

A PRESENT FOR READING YESTERDAY'S BASEBALL STORY

No, it's not a movie of my catch.

Last weekend, when the Indians beat the living daylights out of the New York Yankees two days in a row, with the ultimate humiliation being the 21-4 rout on Saturday, ESPN Radio's Freddie Coleman was left to talk about it on Sunday afternoon. He said, "Let me try and describe this game to you. Remember the Bugs Bunny Cartoon "Baseball Bugs?" He then played the conga music from this cartoon. It became a very funny recurring joke that day.

Here's the cartoon.

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You ARE coming to Romantasy Cabaret at Club Red this Saturday, yes?

TT

2009-04-22T19:48:00.000-07:00

NO, HAVEN'T FALLEN OFF THE PLANET.

I just figured I better get on here before they pull my blog card or something.

How ya been?

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THIS SATURDAY, AT CLUB RED:

(Click this to make it big. Trust me, you wanna make it big.)

I have a LOT to do in this show. It's not exactly going to be the Tom Tuerff show, but I SHOW up a lot. Sometimes with ladies who SHOW a lot.

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That reminds me, I gotta get a guitar case.

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It is BASEBALL SEASON and I am happy. I love baseball. The older I get the more I find I love it for different reasons. Mostly, I like it now because it's very philosophical. I like to sit and watch a game and try to guess what the pitcher is going to throw, and whether the batter will even bother to swing at it. Often I'm right.

I was a terrible baseball player but it didn't matter. I was in Little League from the 4th through the 7th grade (except for the 5th grade when some kid threatened to beat me up if I joined his team). In the fourth grade I was living near Chicago, it was 1968, the entire city was reeling from the King/Kennedy assassinations, and by the end of the summer the hippies would be getting their heads pounded in at the Democratic convention.

But I didn't care. I was on a baseball team. A sponsored baseball team. ALL the teams had sponsors. Our team was (don't laugh -- okay, laugh your ass off; my mother still does) sponsored by "Tiffany Coiffures." Apparently Tiffany Coiffures, which I remember seeing once, was a hole in the wall that made a lot of money, because it was sponsoring our baseball team.

We weren't great. But we weren't awful. We ended up with a losing record but I remember it because it was the only year that lousy, baseball-playing me actually did anything on the field worth remembering.

I didn't play much. I was one of those guys who had to wait until it was obvious that the game was a blow-out.

So there we were, one summer night, getting totally waxed by Simoniz Car Wash, 12 -0 (yes, that was intentional) .
Last inning.

"Tuerff! Go play left field!"

So I'm standing out in left field, watching this happen: first kid strikes out. Second kid walks. Third kid walks (nobody pitches very well in the fourth grade.) Foruth kid gets a single (but nobody runs very well at this age either, so nobody scores), bases are loaded. Fifth kid (we pretty much knew the other team by name at this point, we'd seen them all so often in this game) strikes out.

So it's two out, bases loaded, and the proverbial "BEST HITTER ON THE TEAM," a guy who I remember to this day was named Jim Giblin, steps to the plate. Giblin simply didn't make outs. When he got wood on the ball, he put in Montana. He'd already done this twice already this evening.

One pitch.

SMACK

Okay, now here's what I remember. Giblin hits a solid line drive RIGHT AT ME (keep in mind, I'm playing deep. The park was in Mount Prospect and I was standing somewhere in Arlington Heights). I took two steps forward, extended my glove and the ball
sailed into my glove.

That's what I remember. Apparently, this moderate fly out did not make much of an impression on me. The audience however, went completely batshit. TOTALLY BATSHIT. Standing ovation for catching a baseball. Even Jim Giblin came over to me as I was running in to the dugout and said, "Hey, man, NIIIICE catch!" Like he was dumbfounded or something.

My best friend Eddie Herndon, who was on my team, said "Nice Catch!" My coach said, "Nice Catch!"

A week later, when the little league sent out its newsletter with the box scores and capsule descriptions of all the games, our game's wrap-up included this sentence: "Outfielder TOM TUERFF made a fantastic catch to rob JIM GIBLIN of a home run."

Did I mention my dad was there? Watching?

As the years went by, every time my father told this story, my catch reached Olympic proportions. I ran three miles to catch this ball. I jumped in the sky. I swatted a bird out of the way, landed on a horse and rode the horse back into town, waving the baseball triumphantly in my mitt.

Look: I got to play that night. The object of Left Field is: if they hit it your way, catch the ball. He did. I took two steps (okay, maybe three) and caught the ball waist high in front of me. I preserved our 12-0 loss by being one of the three guys who struck out in the bottom of the inning.

I still have my uniform somewhere. My mother kept it all these years because a baseball jersey that says "Tiffany Coiffures" IS really funny.

TT

2009-04-10T23:11:00.000-07:00

TOUR DE TUERFF?

A couple of years ago, a musical acquaintance of mine joined several other acquaintances of mine and departed on a month long tour of Germany. That’s right, Germans willingly listening to American Folk Music. It’s big over there.

This operation worked fairly well, except that from all reports, all the guys who’d toured together had pretty much had enough of each other once the tour was over. I can understand that.

However, about a year later, one of those guys asked me if I’d be interested in touring Germany. Having seen what had happened that last time, and not really savoring the idea of spending four weeks – let alone four HOURS – with a couple of the guys he was asking, I said no. Besides, I write funny stuff. English language humor don’t go over so well in Germany. Just ask Monty Python.

But it did put a little bug in me that is still bugging me to this day. I’ve never really been on a tour. Heck, I’ve never even booked a gig out of town that required more than two hours driving.

I’ve played open mics all over the place – Richmond, New Orleans, Portland and other places. But I was just thinking: where would be a good place to play out of town?

It would have to be a place where I know enough people to help generate a crowd.

Well, for one, there’s Tucson. But I tried that once and everything got screwed up. The posters I sent to the venue never arrived, everyone I actually knew in Tucson was out of town that weekend and while the coffeehouse where I played was very nice, it was kind of out of the way. Although everybody seemed to know about it.

Then, there’s Seattle. Through choice, fate, luck and the internet, I would venture to say that my wife and I know enough people in the Seattle area that, if they all brought friends, I could fill a small room. They’re people we know from all kinds of places and all kinds of reasons: college friends, post-college friends who moved, people we have something in common with via the internet, filkers (that’s sci-fi folk music people) and more.

Tucson and Seattle. That’s not much of a tour.

Which brings up another problem: Travel. A drive to Tucson I can handle. But paying my way to fly and stay in a hotel in Seattle would pretty much negate any kind of money I would make for entertaining my Washingtonian pals and their friends.

I’m thinking about looking into Western folk festivals for next year. Just one or two, provided this new job doesn’t fly away (or maybe BECAUSE the job flies away). I like performing and I’ve played in front of enough perfect strangers to know that I’m funny. True, it might not be touring, per se, but the change of scenery might do me –and my act – some good.

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You may not like Facebook – and there are a whole bunch of things I don’t like about it – but I do have to say this. If you want to reunite with someone you used to know a long time ago, it’s not too hard to find them if they’re on Facebook.

I like catching up with people I used to know. It’s fun to see what happened to them, what they’re doing now and what their interests are.

Plus, if you have a good reason, you can get a few famous (or at least marginally famous) people to be your “friend.” For example, since I have an internet radio show (“Zappa Universe,” Every Sunday at 6 on radiofreephoenix.com, but then you KNOW that because you listen EVERY WEEK, even when it’s RERUNS like right now, don’t you?) about Frank Zappa, I have one former member of the Mothers of Invention on my list, and two other members of FZ’s 60s entourage.

Their occasional comments are always interesting.

All I can say is that even though it’s confusing as hell at first, and badly laid out, Facebook has some ups.

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No gigs this weekend, but my lovely wife Jan is part of a huge dance show this weekend. I’d tell you about it but it’s sold out, so there you go.

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Thunderstump, the best band that ever sprang 2/3 of its members from my loins, played another open mic Wednesday night and went over well. I played too and people actually shut up. That’s a good thing…really…

TT

2009-04-05T07:26:00.001-07:00

AMIDST ALL THE SHIT, SOMETIMES THINGS ARE JUST RIGHT IN THIS WORLD.

Exhibit A, last night in New York City:

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Exhibit B: Keeping with this theme, last night Jan and I attended the long-awaited nuptials of one Tom McClure and Melissa Billings, two old friends who had been putting off that ol' marriage thing for over 15 years (when you KNEW it was just a matter of time), and finally did the deed.

I can't remember the last time I saw so many people with such big smiles on their faces. Melissa is one big walking smile anyway, and she was smiling so much last night I would imagine when she woke up this morning, her face hurt.

Congratulations, you two.

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Had dinner Friday night with most of the local Tuerff family (brother Pat had to work, unfortunately) and my Uncle Jim and Aunt Julie, who were visiting from Nashville. They are two of the most instantly likeable people on the planet; high school sweethearts who just knew they were gonna get married, and did after college. Jim is the last surviving Tuerff brother from my dad's generation. He was a "Catholic surprise," if you know what I mean, coming along when his siblings were 17 and 15 or so.
He's just attending his 50th high school reunion this year, to give you an idea.

Jim missed his calling as a stand-up comedian. You can tell he's a great public speaker because he has fine comedic timing.
Just amazing.

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Today, we're off to rehearsal for our NEXT EXCITING ROMANTASY CABARET!

I always say this, but it's true: If you haven't seen this, DO. You'll have fun. You'll be amazed that a bunch of amateurs can put on a show this cool. It is worth every penny. And a few more.

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Just got word I'm on the docket for the Flagstaff Folk Festival the last weekend in June. When I know exact times I'll let you know!

TT

2009-04-01T20:25:00.000-07:00

HAPPY "D'OH!" DAY!

I managed to get through the day without being April fooled. But such has not always been the case.

Two years ago, allaboutjazz.com published this article.

In my defense, I was not the only person taken by this article. I only found out it was phony last summer, when somebody on a newsgroup recommended that I look at it again, "very closely."

It is VERY well done. The year after that, they did the "Paul Desmond Vocal Album." Yeah, I know, you have no idea why that's funny. Just trust me, it is.

This year, they announced the sale of "All About Jazz" to Smuckers, with a name change to "All About Jams."

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Does anybody have a khaki colored trenchcoat or raincoat I can borrow? Swear to God. I need it quickly. Let me know.

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If you are accustomed to reaching me at ttuerff@qwest.net, that address has changed to the more simple ttuerff@q.com. Please make a note!

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Oh yeah -- I am once again gainfully employed. Life goes on.

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If commercials are going to continue to use really good songs, then they need to start identifying the songs on the commercial. Your king has spoken. Make it so.

TT

2009-03-31T06:01:00.000-07:00

JUST A QUICKIE

I'm playing tonight at Big FIsh Pub on Universtiy from 7-7:45. A different act each hour until 1 a.m.! I"m first! PLEEEEASE come out!

I need to post a decent-sized post about something but I don't have the time today, so look for something later this week...

TT

2009-03-20T07:34:00.000-07:00

FINALLY -- A BLOG THAT TRULY MEANS SOMETHING

As you have probably figured out by now, I really like music. No, I LOVE music. And the weirder it is, the bigger a place in my heart there is for it.

Which is why I feel compelled to share with you a blog that I have just recently discovered: IllFolks.

http://illfolks.blogspot.com/

This fine blogger finds, uploads and shares with you the stranger, more bizarre and often pointless recordings that exist in this world, and it is truly fascinating.

I advise you go there next. Where else are you going to hear (and even download -- I just downloaded an entire folder with almost 20 songs about bananas!) "Wooly Bully" and "Georgy GIrl" sung in German? Or a totally pointless cover, sung in FRENCH, of "You Know My Name, Look Up The Number," originally by the Beatles? If you thought it was bad in English, wait till you hear it in FRENCH!

Oh, and speaking of Beatles, did you know that John Lennon's dad, Freddie, recorded a single? I didn't either until I found it here. And if you ever wondered what became of Groucho Marx's youngest daughter, Melinda, you'll figure out pretty quick that she DIDN'T become a singing star.

I have just begun to plumb the depths of this site and have miles to go before I sleep. Check it out...

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Tonight: Bhakti Gardens! 321 N. 12th Street! FREE! 7:30! I'm the musical entertainment! There will also be dance groups and art and other musicians, I hope!

Tomorrow! The Glendale Folk Festival! YAAAAY! I'll be at the Fiddler's Dream booth when I'm not playing somewhere, as described on the schedule!

TT

2009-03-19T09:29:00.000-07:00

WORDS TO THE WISE:

Don't ski.

At least don't ski without a helmet.

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If there's anyone in your family who has yet to see 'This is Spinal Tap," remedy that. I realized the other day that Brendan hadn't seen it yet. He thought he was gonna wet himself.

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Make plans to see me play this weekend! Tomorrow night I will be at a place called Bhakti Gardens, 321 N. 12th St. It's a private residence with a back yard performance space and...well, here's the poster:

Then on Saturday I will be at the Glendale Folk Traditions Festival! Here's the logo!

Ah, but where IS it?

Glendale Heritage Park -- the Park with all the peacocks and stuff. 59th Avenue between Peoria and Olive. Just north of GCC.
I am there Saturday: Songwriter's Circle at "Gilligan's Island" (whatever that means) at 2, and a concert at 3:30 on the Front Porch Stage. It's FREE! Show up!

TT

2009-03-12T08:12:00.000-07:00

QUESTIONS TO PONDER

Mason Williams once asked: Where does all the rubber go from all of the tires that wear down on the roads of this country?

Which gets me wondering:

How does a dog explain the concept of glass to himself?

When Matthew Brady wanted his picture taken, who did HE go to?

What, do you imagine, is the oldest piece of top secret information still being held by the government? (For example, is there a photograph of Chester Arthur having sex with a kangaroo, that we're just never going to see?)

If there IS an island with Elvis, Marilyn Monroe and others of their ilk on it, who's taking care of these old farts?

If Mark Chapman is EVER let out of prison, how many seconds will it be before some deranged Beatle fan shoots him?

If there's ever a gay pope, will the world explode?

Does Jesus REALLY give a good goddamn about who wins the football game?

Is it just me, or have the early days of the Obama administration pointed to a day, four years from now, when we look back, good or bad, and say, damn...all that guy does is work!

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My friend and sometimes musical accomplice Nancy Freeman went on vacation yesterday. To Nepal.

No she's not climbing Everest, though I don't doubt that she could.

Nancy is one of those people who has grasped middle age by the throat and is shaking it vigorously. She has a very high-paying and well-deserved job at a company here in town. At night, she goes to an ungodly amount of exercise sessions, so she has the stamina of a 20-year-old. She hikes. She scuba dives. She has season tickets to highbrow things like the opera, the ballet and god knows what all.

She's been at the same job a long time, which means she has a lot of vacation time. And most of all, Nancy is a confirmed female version of Henry Higgins. Some people are just happier being on their own and I think she fits that mold very well.

She's also a bit eccentric, so when Nancy goes on vacation, she doesn't go where you and I would go. She picks far off destinations like Fiji, New Zealand, Iceland (there really is blue ice. I've seen her pictures), Mongolia (she is the only person I know who can say she's played cards with Mongolian shepherds), and places like that.

Oh, and she's not a "Get on the bus, and look out the window" type tourist. She takes "advenure vacations." These are vacations for people who really want to get in there and DO something; like play cards with the Mongols. I believe this trip to Nepal includes doing something like teaching English at a school for a few hours. While standing on one foot. Or something.

Anyway, I'm glad she's my friend because sometimes you just gotta live vicariously through someone who's actually crazy enough to do these things and not revert to doing "normal" touristy things, like this video:

(By the way, Nancy was in England last month -- lots of vacation time this year, I guess -- and the unforeseen snowstorm that rocked the island put the kibosh on her intended plans -- bicycling around the stonehenges of England. See? Not normal. But in a good way.)

Love you, Nan. Bring back lots of cool pictures!

TT

2009-03-11T08:49:00.001-07:00

WITH ALL THESE PEOPLE WALKING IN AND SHOOTING UP CHURCHES, I'M NOT SURPRISED

Interesting article from the Associated Press:

"More Americans say they have no religion
Study finds percentage of Christians in the nation has declined

Mon., March. 9, 2009
A wide-ranging study on American religious life found that the Roman
Catholic population has been shifting out of the Northeast to the Southwest,
the percentage of Christians in the nation has declined and more people say
they have no religion at all.
Fifteen percent of respondents said they had no religion, an increase from
14.2 percent in 2001 and 8.2 percent in 1990, according to the American
Religious Identification Survey.
Northern New England surpassed the Pacific Northwest as the least religious
region, with Vermont reporting the highest share of those claiming no
religion, at 34 percent. Still, the study found that the numbers of
Americans with no religion rose in every state.
"No other religious bloc has kept such a pace in every state," the study's
authors said.
Catholics on the decline in Northeast
In the Northeast, self-identified Catholics made up 36 percent of adults
last year, down from 43 percent in 1990. At the same time, however,
Catholics grew to about one-third of the adult population in California and
Texas, and one-quarter of Floridians, largely due to Latino immigration,
according to the research.
Nationally, Catholics remain the largest religious group, with 57 million
people saying they belong to the church. The tradition gained 11 million
followers since 1990, but its share of the population fell by about a
percentage point to 25 percent.
Christians who aren't Catholic also are a declining segment of the country.
In 2008, Christians comprised 76 percent of U.S. adults, compared to about
77 percent in 2001 and about 86 percent in 1990. Researchers said the
dwindling ranks of mainline Protestants, including Methodists, Lutherans and
Episcopalians, largely explains the shift. Over the last seven years,
mainline Protestants dropped from just over 17 percent to 12.9 percent of
the population.
The report from The Program on Public Values at Trinity College in Hartford,
Conn., surveyed 54,461 adults in English or Spanish from February through
November of last year. It has a margin of error of plus or minus 0.5
percentage points. The findings are part of a series of studies on American
religion by the program that will later look more closely at reasons behind
the trends.
Organized religion playing less of a role
The current survey, being released Monday, found traditional organized
religion playing less of a role in many lives. Thirty percent of married
couples did not have a religious wedding ceremony and 27 percent of
respondents said they did not want a religious funeral.
About 12 percent of Americans believe in a higher power but not the personal
God at the core of monotheistic faiths. And, since 1990, a slightly greater
share of respondents — 1.2 percent — said they were part of new religious
movements, including Scientology, Wicca and Santeria.
The study also found signs of a growing influence of churches that either
don't belong to a denomination or play down their membership in a religious
group.
Respondents who called themselves "non-denominational Christian" grew from
0.1 percent in 1990 to 3.5 percent last year. Congregations that most often
use the term are megachurches considered "seeker sensitive." They use rock
style music and less structured prayer to attract people who don't usually
attend church. Researchers also found a small increase in those who prefer
being called evangelical or born-again, rather than claim membership in a
denomination.
Evangelical or born-again Americans make up 34 percent of all American
adults and 45 percent of all Christians and Catholics, the study found.
Researchers found that 18 percent of Catholics consider themselves
born-again or evangelical, and nearly 39 percent of mainline Protestants
prefer those labels. Many mainline Protestant groups are riven by conflict
over how they should interpret what the Bible says about gay relationships,
salvation and other issues.
Pentecostals stay steady
The percentage of Pentecostals remained mostly steady since 1990 at 3.5
percent, a surprising finding considering the dramatic spread of the
tradition worldwide. Pentecostals are known for a spirited form of
Christianity that includes speaking in tongues and a belief in modern-day
miracles.
Mormon numbers also held steady over the period at 1.4 percent of the
population, while the number of Jews who described themselves as religiously
observant continued to drop, from 1.8 percent in 1990 to 1.2 percent, or 2.7
million people, last year. Researchers plan a broader survey on people who
consider themselves culturally Jewish but aren't religious.
The study found that the percentage of Americans who identified themselves
as Muslim grew to 0.6 percent of the population, while growth in Eastern
religions such as Buddhism slightly slowed."

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This doesn't surprise me. Gee, you mean maybe we're here all by ourselves? We're supposed to figure this shit out on our own?
WHAT A PHENOMENAL CONCEPT!!!!

------

Monday night, my sons and their bass playing friend Ian hit up the second open mic of their lives with their band, Thunderstump, and literally rocked the joint. Not bad considering it was a country bar and grill called the Buffalo Chip Saloon. Afterwards they met a woman who promised to send them info on open mics that make more sense for a punk group.

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My gigs this weekend:

Friday: Mama Java's, 36th St. and Indian School, 8 p.m.

Saturday: Poor Reds, New River, 1-3 p.m.

SHOW UP! That's an order!

TT

2009-03-05T08:37:00.000-08:00

WE ARE SUCH GEEKS

If you live long enough, you will find that you, and everybody you know, is a geek about something. If you've ever read this blog before -- and I presume you have, you know that I get absolutely, blatantly geekish over two things: Presidential Trivia and Traditional American Music forms -- folk, blues, bluegrass, etc.

I'm a SUPER geek as far as presidents go. My friend Pete once told me at a party that in a room full of sci-fi geeks, which we were, people who were wearing Star Wars t-shirts 30 years after the fact, I was still the biggest dork on the planet because I was wearing a "James Madison's Montpelier" T-shirt. (I didn't mention that I actually have two of those.)

As for folk music I am guilty as charged. You've seen my act. I am the only person in my entire family who gets as giddy as a schoolgirl when I am confronted by a folk festival. I LOVE music festivals. My family HATES them. My dog HATES them. My birds and my iguana, if taken, to folk festivals, would POOP on them.

Now, on the other side of this coin is my wife. Over the past seven or eight years Janice has become a complete Harry Potter geek. She is really geeky about this. If she and JK Rowling were playing "Harry Potter Jeopardy," Jan would probably win.
She (and I, because hey, I'm her ride and I liked the books) belongs to a local Harry Potter fan club and that's okay because the people are nice and the parties are fun and the food people bring to the parties are always really really good.

The club has a party about once every season, usually on the solstice/equinox points (no real HP connection there other than it's just easy to remember). This spring, the party is going to be at our house.

And for the very first time, my geekiness is coinciding with her geekiness head-on. The very same day that I will be playing at the Glendale Folk Traditions Festival, March 21, that evening we will be playing host to Jan's Harry Potter meetup group.

Geek syrup.

But wait...it gets geekier. The HP party is going to have a special guest geek!

Steve Vander Ark is the Harry Potter Geek's Geek. How Geeky? He runs the online HP Lexicon, which he recently turned into an unauthorized book, available at bookstores everywhere. He's currently on a signer's tour which will bring him to Phoenix on the same weekend as our HP party. So he's coming by.

Steve is such a HP geek that JK ROWLING used his site to check things when she was writing the books. He knows more about her stuff than she does. If he were the third contestant in the aforementioned Jeopardy game, he could probably easlily answer "JK Rowling's Bathing Suit Colors for $1,000, Alex."

This is geekdom with a hat on.

I know this sounds like "When Geek Worlds Collide" but I suppose it could be worse; like evolutionists sharing convention space with creationists.

Anyway, if you feel a strange amount of geek energy in the air on 3/21, it's all our fault.
Just thought you should know.

TT

2009-03-04T09:02:00.000-08:00

I GUESS HE WAS JUST "BATTY"

A follow-up to a story I poked fun at last year.

It's sad, but come on. The guy was traded for BATS!

http://www.fanhouse.com/news/main/john-c-odom-dies-at-age-26/368409

I guess the worst thing about it is that he died six months ago and they're just now reporting it.

How would that make you feel:

"Tom Tuerff, inventor of the freewheeling power monkey and the greased Panama snorting extortionator, died some time ago. He was...up there in age. He is survived by somebody, but we lost the paper with the names on it. Interment occured, we're pretty sure, because we haven't seen him around lately. Donations may be...naaaah, just keep it."

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No gigs this week but the it starts to get thick and heavy with a rich creamy sauce again next week. We'll talk then.

------

Thanks to my pal Chris Tenaglia in Milwaukee for filling in three more identities to my blog post from last April about my 1973 trip to Washington D.C. I have been updating that post as I get missing names -- just two more to go.

That was a fun trip. I remember the last day of it was a Sunday, and we were literally on the road ALL day seeing stuff and took off for home way after dark. Rode all the way to Gettysburg that day (which I guess is not really that far from DC) and back. A planned trip that kept us going from sun up to sundown.

(If you want to see what I looked like 35 years ago, head for my 4/30/08 blog entry. Click the pic and it gets big.)
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If you're a friend of Joe "Santa" McKiernan, he's turning 60 this Saturday and they're throwing a bash for him at Plaza de Anaya, on Broadway east of Mill at 7 p.m. Lots of dancing girls and I'm going to barge my way into some performance time to play him a song or two. Come on out if you know who I'm talking about!

TT

2009-03-02T23:00:00.000-08:00

RAVES AND RANTS

If you live here in town and you didn't come out to see Romantasy Cabaret last Saturday night, boy are you sorry. Trust me. Easily the most fun show we've put on yet. This year's shows have a 1920s theme and everybody did their best to make it look that way. Flappers. Classy burlesque strippers. Old songs from me and the AMAZING Jimmy Pines and Bunny. A live action silent movie! And my son, the good sport! That's all I'll say about that...

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I will say one other thing about the show, and I am repeating something my wife said: When God or whoever was sitting around working on the model for what a woman should look like, it looked exactly like the woman in our show who uses the name "The High Pimpstress." Simple perfection from the top down. Grrrrrrrrr. Suffice to say Brazil knows how to make females.

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I had a very good job interview today. Which figures since I live in north Phoenix and the job is in east Bumfuck. I've been answering every marketing ad for a position at PetSmart, which is walking distance from my house and they don't even send out a "thanks but no thanks" letter.

------

My Zappa Universe show yesterday featured a not-heard-since-it-aired 1974 interview with FZ himself. My e-mail hasn't stopped since the show ended. YES!

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Now for a good rant:

Who determined that gossip magazines and gossip TV had any right to try someone before the justice system?

I'm getting pretty tired of gossip rags and assholes like Nancy Grace putting suspects on trial long before they ever go to court.

Case(s) in point: Whenever a mom is suspected of killing their kid -- especially if it's a cute little girl, the rags accuse, try and convict the most likely suspect long before the actual trial takes place.

Whatever happened to innocent before proven guilty? I don't care if somebody goes on live television and chops up their entire family. In this country, until they've gone to court and a jury has said, "that's you on the tape, lady" that person should not be judged outside of the courtroom. Even Jack Ruby pleaded innocent.

I find it sick that the tabs make "dead celebrities" out of these kids. It's disgusting. And trying their suspect parents outside of a courtroom is even worse. It is NEVER right. All of you just stop it.

------

Strangely enough I do not have a gig this week. This will change in a week.

TT

2009-02-24T06:02:00.000-08:00

AN OBNOXIOUS, BLATANT PLEA FOR YOUR PRESENCE

Okay. Now most of you who read this thing know that I have been a very busy little entertainer this month. This week is no exception. I have two more gigs to close out the month.

And I know who most of you are. And I know that a lot of you don't live here. But those of you who do should REALLY help the Tomster out here and come see me this week. Because it's gonna be a COOOOOOOOL week.

Tomorrow night (Wednesday) I will be performing at the Beaded Lizard, which is the fancy schmancy name for the weekly performance venue at the Devonshire Adult Center, in Devonshire Park on 28th Street, just north of Indian School. Stuff gets going about 7 and runs until 9. I'm doing a half-hour in there somewhere and there will be other entertainers as well and it's all FREE!

Then on Saturday, the 28th, I am once again proud to part of what the New Times chose as BEST Vaudeville/Burlesque show of the year, Romantasy Cabaret! (See the ad a couple of entries down.) Our first show of our third season takes place Saturday night at Club Red, on the SW corner of the 101 Freeway and University. I'm playing songs AND ACTING in this show. Plus, you will see what can easily be described as our most eye-popping show yet. (If you get my drift. If you don't, you really need to get out more.)

Tickets are available in advance (and I suggest you get them now; we have sold out every show we've done so far) at:
http://www.brownpapertickets.com

TT

2009-02-21T06:23:00.000-08:00

THE EMPEROR WAS NAKED; NOW HE'S GONE SO IT'S OUR TURN

Last night's Erotic Music and Poetry Festivus at Alwun House was an absolute hoot. Good crowd; maybe 125 people, which for this particular event is fantastic.

I mentioned last week that Alwun's annual Exotic (read Erotic) Art Opening bash was pretty well attended; boy, was it! One of the volunteers last night told me that they had over 300 pre-sold tickets, and the folks just kept on coming. That was obvious from where Janice and I were sitting. We happened to get there before anybody else so we were first in the door. A friend of ours in the show that night had (to our happy surprise) reserved a table at the front of the stage so we sat there. And then we didn't MOVE for three hours because it was Sardineville.

Didn't matter because the entertainment was something else entirely.

There's always nudity at the Alwun openings; that's a given. But this year there was a LOT of it. And it was COLD out. I think I can explain the sudden increase in people attending and people stripping in front of strangers to one thing:

The Regime is over. The conservatives are gone, a new president is in, and even though nobody's working, everybody still wants to party.

I've been going through the pics and video I shot last week trying to find "safe" stuff to put here. I know I can put nudity on this site but I'm not going to do that to somebody I don't know.

However, a burlesque group called Provocatease did a very funny (albeit very long) dramatization of the Seven Deadly Sins. I believe this one was "Greed"...

And of course, Gluttony (the bra was edible; I know because she fed me some of it). There just aren't enough tap-dancing cake girls, if you ask me.

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Which brings me to my NEXT gig, which you WILL attend if you live in the Valley and you're not already booked next Saturday (you are NOT allowed to form a band and get a gig to avoid this):

It's the biggest, best, and most amazing RC show yet! I sing, I act, and best of all I DON'T TAKE MY CLOTHES OFF!

I can't speak for the rest of the cast...well, I don't think you wanna see Jimmy Pines naked, anyway...but you DO want to hear him play!

GET YOUR TICKETS NOW AT www.brownpapertickets.com and I will see you this Saturday, your smiling face, your jaw agape, especially in act three when the girlies girlie, and when I can guarantee you that the first bit is going to surprise the hell out of a bunch of people (I'm not in it, but I co-wrote it. That's all I'll say.)

TT

2009-02-20T05:20:00.000-08:00

BUSY, BUSY, BUSY...

If you're looking for something to do tonight, and I know you are, high-tail it over to Alwun House, 12th St. and Roosevelt, for the annual Erotic Music and Poetry Festivus! Two stages, tons of performers, lots of fun! This is the sixth annual and I've done every one of them. Come on out! It starts at 8, it costs just $10, which is a hell of a lot less than what you'd pay for admission and food at the movies. Plus, there's FOOD.

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And NEXT SATURDAY, the 28th...This IS what you're going to do because I'm telling you now:

If you've never seen the previous incarnations of this show, you REALLY need to see this one. If you HAVE seen previous incarnations of this show, your REALLY need to see this one! All new! All Singing! All Talking! All dancing! JOLSON SPEAKS!

Okay, I got a little carried away there, but really. Get your tickets NOW and you'll be as close as you can to the stage. Which you really want to be, especially for act 3.

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Tomorrow, Radio Free Phoenix is inviting everybody to a picnic at El Dorado Park from Noon - 3 p.m. For those of you who just woke up, radiofreephoenix.com is the FINEST internet radio station in the WORLD. The deepest mix of music from the last 40+ years.

Ir also happens to be the home of MY INCREDIBLY FINE SHOW, "Zappa Universe," Sundays at 6, with a repeat at 11!

TT

2009-02-17T09:30:00.001-08:00

TIMES ARE TOUGH, AND ALL THAT STUFF, BUT...

...Can any of you out there help my kid find a job? Brendan's in a work/study program -- i.e. he works, he sends in his pay stub and he gets school credit. Thing is, he needs at least 20 hours a week and where he's at now he's not getting anywhere near that.

Currently he works at a Wendy's but he's had previous experience at retail establishments and he was also a janitor at a dance studio a while back. So he can do "high school" type jobs, which makes sense since he's in high school.

If you can help/point out a direction for him to look, please don't hesitate to tell me! Or him!

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Two gigs this week:

WEDNESDAY: Glendale Auditorium, 7 p.m. 59th Avenue N. of Olive. FREE!

FRIDAY: Alwun House Annual Erotic Music and Poetry Festivus! NOT FREE! $10. Two stages. 20+ entertainers. Music. Poetry. Puppets. Tap dancers. I swear!

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Yesterday was President's Day. Since I'm a presidential geek I am now going to tell you a bunch of shit you really don't need to know about our Commmanders in Chief, but what the heck...

When FDR died, his mistress was staying with him. Eleanor was out of town on business. They had to scramble to remove any sign of the mistress before Eleanor got down to Georgia where FDR died.

Grover Cleveland is the only president to personally hang somebody.

When JFK was shot, he was a literal sitting duck. He was wearing a back brace which would have made it impossible to duck if he'd known the shots were coming.

Oh, and he also had chlamydia during the Bay of Pigs fiasco.

George Washington spent 7% of his presidential salary on beer.

John Wilkes Booth can be seen in the photograph taken at Lincoln's 1865 inauguration. It is said that whatever Lincoln said that day moved Booth to do the deed, which he did about a month later.

Okay, enough geekiness...

TT

2009-02-15T09:18:00.000-08:00

SUNDAY RAMBLINGS

We attended the Exotic Art Show opening at Alwun House Friday night and although it was extremely COLD there was a virtual smorgasbord of entertainers that went on much longer than anyone probably figured it would.

I'd post photos, but there was more nudity than usual so I need to go through them to make sure that I am not potentially getting some school teacher fired.

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I'm off to rehearsal for the next Romantasy Cabaret on 2/28 at Club Red. BUY TICKETS AND COME SEE THIS. Go to www.brownpapertickets.com now. More later...probably tomorrow...

TT

2009-02-11T15:09:00.000-08:00

DON'T READ THE ARTICLE; THE HEADLINES ARE ALL YOU NEED

Real headlines, my comments:

"8 Beheaded in India Wedding Dispute"

Next week on Bridezillas...

"Mass deaths feared in Australian town..."

Priest literally bores people to death, says parishioner

"Salma Hayek breast-feeds stranger's baby"

Baby signs three-show deal with Universal

TT

2009-02-05T07:06:00.000-08:00

YEAH, BUT IT'S $100,000 AUSTRALIAN.

My friend Chris Tenaglia turned me on to this:

http://www.islandreefjob.com/

If any of you decide to apply for it, I'm applying to be your man Friday.

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And speaking of Chris, he says he couldn't help himself. He took the photo I posted a couple days ago of my friend in the Morticia Addams costume and retouched it:

Got rid of all the scratches and everything! Thanks, Chris!

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Speaking of finding old negatives and scanning them, I dug up some shots from a 1979 Hoyt Axton concert at NAU. Here's a few...

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And here's John Dillon of the Ozark Mountain Daredevils, circa December 1977:

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I recently had to get new home insurance (long story -- PVC pipe is NOT your friend) and I discovered something: Those companies that spend a lot of money on TV are making you pay for it.

I knew I was gonna have to pay more a year for my insurance (PVC pipe is NOT your friend), but take a look at the difference:

What I was paying annually at my current place: $562

What the Gecko at GEICO wanted (and this was the lowest from the "many companies we work with": $2,872

What Flo and the folks at Progressive wanted: $2,080

What the nice lady at the Allstate near my house got for me: $1,100. Less than twice what I was paying. I went with that.

Allstate doesn't spend near the amount of money on TV that the other two do. That's gotta be part of it.

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If anybody wants to come over and give me a really nice massage, I won't stop you.

TT

2009-02-02T08:57:00.001-08:00

BEING FOR THE BENEFIT OF DONNA JEAN'S

Last Saturday night I played a benefit for the Leukemia and Lymphoma society at a bar called Donna Jean's Libations. I got the gig quite coincidentally a few weeks back listening to a woman (the aforementioned Donna Jean) talking on her cell phone. She said the magic words, "I have to find one more band..."

...and I volunteered.

There was a pretty good crowd and at least half of them listened to me. I sold a couple CDs and all in all had a good time. An old college buddy of mine, Brian Whitney, and his wife Sheri, came out to see my set, as did our friend Rachel from Romantasy Cabaret (which, by the way, makes its seasonal premier this 2/28 at Club Red, with me, Jan, Adam and all the scantily-clad people, circus freaks and musicians you expect in a burlesque show). Rachel's cousins were in the featured band, the Blue Rose Band. I couldn't stick around to hear them because I was due to play at yet ANOTHER party, so I went there.

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And SPEAKING OF GIGS, this week I have four in a row!

FRIDAY: I'll be at the FIrehouse as part of a teaser for Romantasy Cabaret. It's at 1st street and Roosevelt, it's part of First Friday so it's FREE!
SATURDAY: Space 55, the people who brought you "Seven Minutes in Hell," and "Seven Minutes Under the Mistletoe," now bring you "Seven Minutes in Love!" Just in time for V-day! 10 acts, seven minutes each, seven bucks. 7th st. and Pierce.
SUNDAY: (At least they didn't have to worry about spelling my name right...)

MONDAY: A new monthly open stage at Cookies From Home on University in Tempe! I've been asked to come out and play so I'm going.

Get all the important info stuff at www.myspace.com/tomtuerffmusic

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And for those of you who want to go to Romantasy Cabaret, here's the info on that. Like always, BUY YOUR TICKETS NOW. DO NOT WAIT TO BUY THEM AT THE DOOR, AS THERE PROBABLY WON'T BE ANY LEFT.

We always sell out!

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It was nice to see the Cards at least come back and make a game out of it yesterday. No way this game comes close to being as good as last year's NE vs. NY nail-biter.

Oh, and the commercials this year? Un. Im. Pressive. I liked the Conan O'Brien Bud Ad and the Careerbuilder.com ad.

I thought the SOBE ad was stupid. But then, I didn't like the dancing lizards last year, either.

I will say this: Due to the game's close proximity to dinner time, I managed to watch the whole game without eating any junk food!

We had chicken curry for dinner. It was good.

TT

2009-01-30T14:41:00.000-08:00

THE NEGATIVES OF NEGATIVES

I have a scanner, and recently I decided that I would dig up some old photo negatives and scan them. They were kept in plastic sheaths for lo these many decades, so I thought they would be in perfect shape.

Wrong. Even "dustless" sleeves collect dust. It scratches negatives.

Case in point: Here's a photo of an old friend of mine. When I took this photo at a sci-fi convention in 19(CENSORED) she was only 17 years old. (My apologies that it loads sideways; I can't figure out how to flip it up.) Click on the photo to make it big and you can see what I'm talking about.

You can see the scratchies all over it. Fixable in Photoshop, I guess, but still.

Just a warning. If you have a copy of the photo, try scanning that first, then color-correcting it. It'll probably take less time.

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And now, another photo from that same convention, just because I think the costume is a kick:

The thing I remember most about this convention was that is was held at the point when if you had a sci-fi convention, it was HUGE. In fact, every hotel room in this huge hotel was booked that weekend, mostly by the convention, which allowed for some rather odd things to go on -- namely, nude use of the jacuzzi and pool after dark, a live-action chase game that took place in the stairwells, and more booze than I've ever seen in one party room in my life.

At one point I found myself sitting nude in a jacuzzi with an albino woman.

Sorry, no pictures.

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See my post from yesterday about what I'm doing tomorrow and SHOW UP!

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I am now booked for one-quarter of the entire month of February. Woo hoo!

TT

2009-01-28T11:52:00.000-08:00

A GOOD CAUSE. A GREAT POSTER!

And they even spelled my name right!

If you're not doing anything, please come out for this. It's a fundraiser for the Leukemia/Lymphoma Society. Five bucks, five bands (if I count as a band), and 10% of any CDs I sell will go to LLS. I'm the first act at 8. Don't be late!

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I'm doing this fundraiser because I lost my sister Kathy to leukemia damn near eight years ago next week. It's a shitty disease so anything I can do to help, I do.

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Some movie channel showed "Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea" today. There is nothing more unintentionally hilarious than Walter Pidgeon and Peter Lorre in the same shot. It looks like a giant talking to a kindergartner.

TT

2009-01-27T09:14:00.001-08:00

SPORTS ILLUSTRATED RUINS IT FOR EVERYBODY

SI picked the Cardinals to win the Super Bowl this Sunday. Put Kurt Warner on the cover and everything.

Kiss of death. Steelers by 21. (I hope not, but I bet.)

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Actual phone conversation:

Hello, Tom?

Yes?

Kim Moody (from Alwun House). Were you planning to play the Erotic Music and Poetry Festivus this year on February 20?

Why, yes, I was.

Good, because your name's on the flyer. You wanna come pick some up?

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I have a new song up on my Myspace page! Go listen! Took me a whole 75 minutes to make!

http://www.myspace.com/tomtuerffmusic

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The Thursday open mic at Gavilan Peak Sports Bar in New River is fast becoming my favorite open mic. Tonight, I'll be at Chantilly's, 7th Avenue and Union Hills, at nine.

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This Saturday I will be the opening act for a fundraiser for the Leukemia/Lymphoma Society. It starts at 8 at Donna Jean's Libations, 67th Avenue and Bell. There's a small cover, but it's for charity so all of you show up.

I will also donate a portion of any CD sales to LLS. So bring friends with money.

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After that, I'm going to a party.

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Anybody know a good home insurance person? We need to buy new home insurance.

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The Songwriter's Gathering at the Glendale Library last Saturday was a ball and a half. I attended a seminar on promotion there that told me that I am an absolute waste of time if I don't have a Twitter account. I had a Twitter account, but I hadn't even thought about it for six months. I'm twitting a little more often now.

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Word to Paul McCartney: GET A PRE-NUP THIS TIME.

TT

2009-01-21T08:44:00.000-08:00

WORST. PRESIDENT. EVER. OR WAS HE?

Yeah, ol' W was a prize. But you know what? I doubt he'll go down in history as the absolute WORST president we ever had. That's because there have been SO MANY totally inept clods who've run this country in the past.

About two years ago, US News and World Report published their list of the worst presidents:

1. James Buchanan
2. Warren G. Harding
3. Andrew Johnson
4. Franklin Pierce
5. Millard Fillmore
6. John Tyler
7. Ulysses S. Grant
8. William Harrison
9. Herbert Hoover | Richard Nixon (tie)
10. Zachary Taylor

Now, do you knock Zak Taylor out of the list to put W in it? Or do you pair him up with someone, like Hoover and Nixon are?

I can see why a lot of these guys are here, in the order that they are.

Buchanan is a good choice for worst. With America on the verge of splitting, he refused to do anything about it. He was pretty much the last nail in the coffin for peace before the Civil War.

Harding hired his friends for cabinet posts, and most of them ended up going to jail. (Shades of W there, except the jail part.) Harding likely would have joined them if he hadn't died.

Andrew Johnson pretty much reversed any progress that blacks had made in the south because of Lincoln.

Pierce, Fillmore and Tyler all contributed to the problems that led to the Civil War. At best they were do-nothings; at worst, they were pro-South.

Grant: Hero. Hires friends. Friends turn on him. Teapot Dome. The Harding of his century.

Hoover/Nixon: Depression/Watergate. And don't say Hoover couldn't help it. He truly believed that economic downturns simply had to run their course, and there was no way you could influence them one way or another. He survived another 31 years after leaving office, and his opinions on fiscal frugality never wavered. (There are some great videos of Hoover on the Internet where, even in the 1950s, he hasn't learned his lesson.) As for Nixon, don't get me started. Even worse than Watergate, and this is something I will NEVER understand, he allowed the CIA to overthrow the DEMOCRATICALLY ELECTED president of Chile, Salvador Allende, because the people chose to elect a communist. (I had a friend in high school who emigrated with his folks from Chile in order to avoid being shot. Thanks, Dick.)

Harrison and Taylor: They both died shortly after taking office. You can't call a guy the "worst president" when he hasn't had the opportunity to do anything. And Taylor was actually an okay guy. Anti-slavery; got California admitted to the union, anti-secession. Harrison spent his whole administration in bed with pneumonia and died in a month.

Where, if anywhere, does W fit in here? Near the bottom, for sure. If his successor gets us on the road to fixing everything, I would imagine immediate opinion of Bush will soften a bit, to the point that people might have trouble remembering anything he did. Or remembering him at all.

Which would be fine with me.

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This Saturday is the Glendale Songwriters Gathering! 10-4 at the main library on 59th Avenue! Come watch me play at 12:40!

TT

2009-01-20T06:59:00.000-08:00

INAUGURATION DAY QUIZ

For all you presidential geeks. (Don't look up the answers; just guess. They're at the bottom of this post, anyway.

1. Name the only president who ever actually hanged a person.

2. If his detractors at the time were to be believed, Barack Obama may not be our first African-American president. Who might have had black ancestors?

3. Name the only president who never took a vacation (not even a day off!) during his full four-year term.

4. He's the only president to receive a speeding ticket while in office. On a horse. Cost him 20 bucks. Name him.

5. He was the first president to live in the White House.

6. He lost the sight in one eye while boxing in the White House.

7. His well-endowed wife made cleavage-showing styles popular in the rather stuffy 1800s.

8. His son was late to arrive on the scene for 3 -- count 'em -- 3 -- presidential assassinations.

9. There is ample evidence to imply that this president may have been gay.

10. This Mexican-American War officer ran against his former commanding officer for President.

11. He's the only president who did not die in this country.

12. Nine presidents have survived blatant assassination attempts. How many can you name?

Think 'em over...

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If you need any proof that America will never grow up, I just did a little research:
There are 21 listings on classmates.com right now for the name "Heywood Jablome."

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And 166 for "Dick Hertz."

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I'm not even going to bother checking for "Ben Dover."

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King George is dead. Long live the new republic.

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The ANSWERS:

1. Grover Cleveland
2. Warren Harding
3. James K. Polk
4. U.S. Grant
5. John Adams
6. Teddy Roosevelt
7. James Madison
8. Abraham Lincoln
9. James Madison
10. Franklin Pierce
11. John Tyler (He died in Virginia during the Civil War, when the south was a different country.)
12. Andrew Jackson, Abraham Lincoln (several), Rutherford Hayes, James Garfield (at least two before he was finally shot), Teddy Roosevelt, Franklin Roosevelt, Harry Truman, Jerry Ford (twice), Ronald Reagan.

2009-01-19T07:52:00.000-08:00

IN THE CARDS

You know, I'm just as excited as everybody else that the reign of King George I ends tomorrow. Like a lot of people, I am encouraged by Barack Obama's sincere (if, I think, naive) call for change.

But indeed, already change is in the air.

Yeah, the economy sucks. I've been "freelancing" myself since September and I hate it.

But if change is what you want, I can't think of any more amazing sign that things have changed than yesterday afternoon.

The Arizona Cardinals won the National Football Conference Championship, and they are going to the Super Bowl in three weeks.

This is the first time the words "Cardinals" and "Championship" have been mentioned together since 1947.

That's change. May it be a sign of more important changes to come.

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I would like to go on record to say that my sons' band officially kicks ass.

Adam, Brendan and their friend Ian have a band called Thunderstump. After ages of rehearsing, they finally took the plunge and played an open mic at a bar in New River last week. Jan and I went to watch (okay, I went to play, as well.)

You could SEE the adrenaline they were swimming in while they waited to play. And when they finally got up there, they did not disappoint.

They did two songs and even played a little trick on the audience. They started with a very slow and melodic instrumental that they had worked up called "Speed Bump." Then, they performed a great song that I think is the best song they have so far, called "Sleep." It's a loud, punky, funny song about having a manager at work who won't let you sleep.

The place went NUTS.

The guys were stoked. WE were stoked.

In his excitement after the gig, Brendan got so stoked that he inadvertently locked his car keys in his trunk. (Note: Dodge Stratuses are VIRTUALLY IMPENETRABLE, even to experienced locksmiths. We found this out the next morning.)

Thunderstump will play again. I'll keep you posted.

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The annual Phoenix Songwriter's Gathering is now the Annual GLENDALE songwriter's gathering. It's this Saturday at the Glendale Library on 59th Avenue north of the peacock park. 10-4. I play a short set at 12:40. Come on out -- it's free!

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Can you believe that guy put that plane down in that river last week? And everybody got off?

A guy named Sully had an airplane
Out of Laguardi-ayyyyyy
But then he lost both of his engines
Making goose pate
He put it down in the Hudson
It seems without a care
Everybody's gone Surfin'...
Surfin' U.S. Air!!!

Too soon?

TT

2009-01-10T06:25:00.000-08:00

FACE TO FACEBOOK

America has become so addicted to staying connected that in the past months I have found myself signing up to read messages from people on a whole variety of bizarre message websites.

A couple of years ago I joined a site called Tribe -- kind of the precursor of things to come. It's still there but it isn't well maintained and I don't use it much anymore.

Myspace was one that I joined purely by force: "WE CAN'T BOOK YOU IF WE CAN'T HEAR YOUR MUSIC." So I had to make one of those pages. (I have two, actually. I used to have seven because I couldn't figure out how to make it a music website and when I thought I was starting over I was just making more pages. I am a hopeless nincompoop on the computer. For the record, my two myspace pages are: www.myspace.com/tomtuerffmusic and www.myspace.com/ttuerff just because it's there.)

In the last few months, I have been forced to join a variety of message sites, some just to get ONE FREAKIN' MESSAGE.
Something called Twitter. Another one called...oh hell, I can't remember...

And the list goes on.

Which brings me to Facebook. Initially, this site was supposed to be used entirely by college students to keep in touch with other college students as well as worried parents. You are allowed no long diatribes, merely status updates. I would presume in the "college only" days, those status updates would be used to assuage worries that little Lurlene was in trouble:

"Lurlene is out on a date."

(followed later by:)

"Lurlene is home from her date. Stop worrying, daddy."

Terribly exciting.

Well, as you might imagine, now EVERYBODY uses Facebook to keep in contact with other people. I have an account, but I have to say I REALLY DON'T GET IT. It's hard to use, hard to change and hard to look at.

It does have its upsides: Nobody gets to look at your information unless you say so. (I presume this is to ward off potential date rapers.) It does allow you to find people who you once shared commonalities with, provided you've both mentioned that. (Your high school, for example.)

But what I find really interesting about it is, now that more people are joining, Facebook and Myspace appear to be entangled in an attempt to be EXACTLY LIKE EACH OTHER. Exclusive features to either site are now popping up on both.

For example, you can now have a Facebook MUSIC PAGE. (I'm holding off.)

And on Myspace, suddenly you can see a list of "potential friends" (that is, people who other friends of yours know) that you, too, might want to make your own.

It's gonna get worse. I'm pretty sure that soon, you'll be able to add backgrounds and videos and all that crap to your Facebook account, which has pretty much taken any enjoyment I ever had out of Myspace. Why? Because you people who insist on putting up 93 videos on your Myspace page, over a "custom motif" that merely sucks up memory while trying to load all your FREAKIN' VIDEOS, and makes it impossible to find the only thing I really want on your damn page, which is "Send a letter,"
DRIVES ME UP THE F***ING WALL!

I let my kid put up a "wallpaper" on my NON-music page and while it's apropos, I hate it. I have trouble reading my own page. Unfortunately I don't know how to change it back.

I'm middle aged. We're more important than you young jerks. Quit complicating things. And get outa my yard! Where's my oatmeal?

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Okay, so last week, I predicted the Cardinals would win. And they did. Well, today, they're back east where they haven't won a SINGLE game this year, and I don't think that's going to change. We'll see. Panthers over the Cards today. I hope I'm wrong...

TT

2009-01-07T10:41:00.000-08:00

FAMOUS COMPANY

From the blog "Carolina Naturally," a list of famous nudists, past and present. (Various comments by me.) I (and you, if you're so inclined) am in good company.

John Quincy Adams (frequently skinny-dipped in the Potomac)
Christina Aguilera
Jennifer Aniston
Fiona Apple

Kevin Bacon
Oksana Baiul
Josephine Baker
Eric Balfour
Kylie Bax
Drew Barrymore
David Beckham
Victoria Adams Beckham
Amanda Beard
Jack Black
Lara Flynn Boyle
Kevin Brauche
Jimmy Buffett (Does this surprise, like, ANYONE?)
Robert Burns
Gene Burton

Winston Churchill
Kelly Clarkson
Nadia Comaneci
Billy Connolly
Cindy Crawford

Johnny Depp
Athena Demos
Alan Dershowitz
Cameron Diaz
Dido
Isadora Duncan
Erica Durance

Marianne Faithful
Ralph Fiennes
Colin Farrel
Ralph Fiennes
Colin Fletcher
Flea
Bridget Fonda
Peter Fonda
Matthew Fox
Jamie Foxx
Benjamin Franklin

Eva Gabor
Zsa Zsa Gabor
Gerald Gardner
Ian Gillian
Jeff Goldblum
Cuba Gooding Jr
Amy Grant
Macy Gray
Spalding Gray (This one surprises me a little bit)

Linda Hamilton
Tom Hanks
Daryl Hannah
Woody Harrelson
Melissa Joan Hart
PJ Harvey
Goldie Hawn
Robert A. Heinlein (DUH)
Ernest Hemingway
Margaux Hemingway
Mariel Hemingway
Alfred Hitchcock
Paris Hilton
Fiona Horne
Kate Hudson
Kate Humble
Elizabeth Hurley
Angelica Huston

Enrique Igelsias
Julio Iglesias
Natalie Imbruliga

Hugh Jackman
Janet Jackson
Jade Jagger
Famke Janssen
Lyndon Johnson
Raul Julia

Nicole Kidman
Kiera Knightly
Olga Korbut
Heidi Klum

Avril Lavigne
Lucy Lawless
Heath Ledger
Hyapatia Lee
Lindsay Lohan
Jennifer Lopez
Mario Lopez
Peter Lupus

Andie MacDowell

Matthew McConaughey
Ewan McGregor
Sir Ian McKellen
Sarah McLachlan
Patrick McNee
Elle McPherson

Madonna
Barry Manilow
James Mason
Eva Mendes
Christopher Meloni
Helen Mirren
Demi Moore
Alanis Morrisette
Kate Moss

Jack Nicholson

Patrick "Tip" O'Neal
George Orwell

Paloma Picasso
Pink
Brad Pitt
Sidney Pollock

Sheryl Lee Ralph
Daniel Ratcliffe
Keanu Reeves
Lynn Regrave
Vanessa Redgrave
Tara Reid
Fred Rogers
Sara Rue

Claudia Schiffer
Seal
Jerry Seinfeld
Shakira
George Bernard Shaw
Sherri Shepherd
Alicia Silverstone
Jessica Simpson
Rod Sirling
Britney Spears
Princess Stephanie of Monaco
Patrick Stewart
Joss Stone

Emma Thompson
Henry David Thoreau
Justin Timberlake
Leeann Tweedon

Vince Vaughn

Robbie Williams
Bruce Willis
Walt Whitman
Katrina Witt

Xuxu

Adrian Young

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I need to set up that free recording time before the certificate expires. The song I'm going to record is now either going to be "I Saw Your Daughter In a Porno" or "Friends With Benefits," which my friend Nancy suggested I do. (This is partially because she has a nice arrangement of it that we do together...)

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I heard a funny Henny Youngman joke yesterday:

A guy says to his friend: "Look at this diamond necklace I just got for my wife!"
The other guy says, "Hey, nice trade!"

TT

2009-01-02T09:23:00.001-08:00

NEW YEAR'S OBSERVATIONS

If Jimmy ever really did crack corn, I would imagine SOMEBODY would care. Maybe not you, certainly not me -- who am I to keep a man from his corn cracking duties -- but SOMEBODY would have to have asked Jimmy to crack the corn in the first place. THAT guy would care.

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And speaking of Stephen Foster, have you ever tried walking anywhere with a banjo on your knee? I have a banjo. I tried it once. Pain in the ass. And the knee.

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If auld acquaintance really should be forgot, then wouldn't you just have to reintroduce yourself to everybody you know every New Year's Eve?

------

What do you think Eleanor Rigby died from? I think it was picking up all that damn rice.

------

I wonder if Shakespeare would still be revered if he had written a death scene where the soon to be deceased person raises his head one last time and says, "Later, dude."

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I was watching some Honeymooners reruns on WGN on Christmas Eve and I came upon the realization that while they are funny, you couldn't get away with that kind of stuff on TV now, and to be honest, the Ralph Kramden character is extremely offensive these days. But Ed Norton? I'd live next to him any day.

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I'll stick my neck out: Cards over Falcons tomorrow.

TT

2008-12-29T07:51:00.000-08:00

FEELING A BIT "LEAR-Y"

I have, in the past on this blog, made one or two comments to the fact that I am becoming, at least psychologically, a "coot."

This past weekend I've been feeling it physically, as well.

Last Friday, I did something really cootish: I tripped over my dog.

It wasn't Dweezil's fault; I knew he was sitting at my feet when I got up out of my chair but somehow, I mispositioned (is that a word? Well, you know what I mean) my feet and toppled right over the pooch. He didn't even move, but I landed squarely on my knees. The right knee took the bulk of my weight and I've been limping quite cootishly ever since. It still hurts but it's getting better.

The thing is, I KNOW people half my age are looking at me and thinking, "man, look at that old limping guy."
This is instead of what they usually think, which is nothing, since once you turn about 40 years old you become completely invisible to anybody younger than that.

Think about it. (This may just be a guy thing; ladies, please weigh in if I'm wrong.) You're walking through the mall, ogling the eye candy (i.e. late teens and twentysomethings). You can stare right at them, and they won't even look you in the eye. Hell, they don't even acknowledge that you're there at all. This is because you are invisible to them.

I take note of nearly everyone I pass in a shopping mall. Their faces say a lot. (Admittedly, other body parts say a lot too, especially in Phoenix, in the summer, when ladies throw caution to the winds and wear well-worn white halter tops or tube tops because the law says you have to wear something.

At least in my cootness I can still appreciate the female form. Regardless of what it looks like. Fat, skinny, tall, short, they're women. And I still like to look at them.

I once heard my 83-year old grandfather, shortly before he died, say to my dad: "Jerry, if I ever stop looking at women, bury me." Ol' Gramps was good to his word; while dying of Valley Fever in a hospital ICU, hooked up on breathing machines and unable to talk, he apparently spent several of his last moments writing dirty notes to his nurses. In other words, he lived life to the end.

So did Cliff White, who died on Friday at, coincidentally, age 83.

Most of you didn't know him. Cliff was a drama professor at Northern Arizona University from 1968 until he retired in 1992. He was so good at what he did, the University named its creative arts theatre after him a year later, and never really let him retire. I would constantly hear stories through the 90s that Cliff was "just filling in" for a teacher who'd left the employ of the university, or "just teaching a class to keep his hand in it," but anyone who knew him knew better. Drama was literally Cliff's life. After retiring, he and his wife, Doris, became the main proponents of community theatre in Flagstaff, and he continued to direct plays on and off pretty much up to the end.

Dr. White was the epitome of perfection in dramatics. As somebody once said of him, you don't have a building named after you at NAU by doing things half-way. To that end, working with, or being taught by, Cliff White could be very , very frustrating, infuriating and irritating, but you know what? You usually came away with something from it that you find yourself using in your daily life without even thinking about it.

I was a drama minor, so I didn't participate in, or even try out for, every show at NAU while I was there (my major saw to that), but Cliff cast me in three of the four shows I was in while at NAU. (The other show was directed by Doris -- no directorial slouch, either.) The first time I tried out for him, I was a freshman, kinda full of myself and he saw that, but told me, "keep trying out. I'm gonna use you one of these days. I'm just not sure where yet." True to his word, the very next show I tried out for, he gave me a very nice part.

I always got along with him, perhaps because I wasn't a drama major. For all the stories I have been reading from other folks who knew Cliff, for every fun story, there's one where he quite simply pissed somebody off to the point of near fisticuffs.

I met Janice trying out for a Cliff White show. She ended up being head of props for the production ("Paint Your Wagon").
Her favorite Cliff White story is one of frustration.

(Here's me, dressed as a miner in "Paint Your Wagon.")

"It's a play about miners," Jan said the other day, "so if you're a miner, you're going to need a shovel. But Dr. White didn't want just any shovels for the miners. He wanted PERIOD, 1848 shovels. Oh, and they had to be BRAND NEW, 1848-period shovels, because in the play, the miners are coming out of a store where they just bought the shovels.

" We went to, or called, every place in Flagstaff that might have sold shovels. I brought in many different perfectly good shovels that Dr. White refused to use. 'Too new. Not period.' 'That's better, but it's used! It has to be new!' I got so desperate I went to another drama professor and asked what I should do. 'Stick to your guns,' she said. 'Sometimes Dr. White forgets that we're in Flagstaff, Arizona and not on Broadway.' We eventually reached a compromise, but it took a long time to get there."

Cliff never stopped calling Janice "Props." Thing is, he probably left a mark on her, too. Since we're both now members of Romantasy Cabaret, a variety show with ever-changing skits, Jan has become one hell of a prop maker. There is a streetlight in our house at the moment for a skit we have yet to AUDITION. Jan built it. Agonized over the exact height for a week. That's Cliff White working in there.

Like I said, Cliff White was a perfectionist. Apparently right down to when it came to stuff like shoveling snow off his driveway. "Why let some kid do it?" I'm sure he was thinking. " I'll do it, and I'll know it's done to my satisfaction."

Shoveling the driveway was the last thing Cliff did. He had a heart attack, living life right to the end.

------

The most interesting part I ever got from Cliff White was a small part as a guard in NAU's production of "King Lear" in 1978. The technical name of this part is "Second Servant." In the scene, The Earl of Cornwall has just gouged out the eyes of the Earl of Gloucester. (Read the play.) After Cornwall and Lear's treacherous daughter Regan run out of the room, I and "Third Servant" (First servant was killed in the same scene about two minutes ago), take pity on the blinded man and try to figure out what to do with/for him:

Second Servant: I'll never care what wickedness I do,
If this man come to good.

Third Servant: If she live long,
And in the end meet the old course of death,
Women will all turn monsters.

Second Servant: Let's follow the old earl, and get the Bedlam
To lead him where he would: his roguish madness
Allows itself to any thing.

Third Servant: Go thou: I'll fetch some flax and whites of eggs
To apply to his bleeding face. Now, heaven help him!

"The Bedlam" is a character named Edgar, who's actually quite sane but forced to pretend he's a nutcase. (Read the play.)

Now, here's why I remember this little jaunt. Later on in the play, Gloucester is in fact led to the white cliffs of Dover and reunited with Edgar, who is actually his son and not crazy, as I mentioned. HOWEVER, in the NAU version of this play, when Gloucester is finally delivered to Edgar at Dover, Second and Third Servant (me and the other guy) are NOT the two guys delivering Gloucester to his son!

This was because Cliff wanted to be sure that everybody who got into the show got to say something. So two other guys who hadn't had a line yet got their lines to say.

The four of us used to joke about this. We created a whole subtext: Servant Three and I headed off to Dover with the blind guy, but it was cold and rainy, and with all the pubs in the area, we all went inside and had a couple of pints. Too drunk to continue, we bribed two other guys in the pub to take Gloucester there.

That makes sense, right?

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Does anybody out there have a floor-standing easel I can borrow? I really need it...

TT

2008-12-21T09:08:00.000-08:00

"YOUR FAME SPREADS BROADLY; YOU ARE RENOWNED!"

This link (which you have to copy and paste 'cause I don't know how to make a link out of it) will take you to an Old English translation of a very famous Christmas song, and the "back-to-English" translation of such. Very interesting...
http://web.archive.org/web/20070115042139/http://www.georgetown.edu/faculty/ballc/oe/rudolph.html
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And for some interesting early sci-fi, check out this little short from 99 years ago (with a soundtrack that obviously was recorded more recently than that)...

http://www.archive.org/details/TheAirshipDestroyer

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WARNING...WARNING...TUERFF TALKS FOOTBALL...WARNING...WARNING...

I know they're already in the playoffs, but I really don't want to see the Cards end the regular season 8-8.
They gotta win at least one of these last two games and they don't sound like they care.

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Tuesday night I won two hours worth of recording time in a studio out in the East Valley. What song should I record? I'm willing to take suggestions...

TT

2008-12-14T14:53:00.001-08:00

WHICH CAME FIRST -- THE CHICKEN OR THE EGGPLANT?

I don't know. And I don't care. All I DO know is that my garden finally started eliciting eggplants, and it's eatin' time.

As you can see below, I grew a type of eggplant called Rosa Bianca. Apparently this is the type used by most restaurants, and not the big purple ones you get in the store. They grow to about the size of your hand, as you can see here.

Another thing I like about them is they're purrrrty.

I've been waxing eloquent to my other gardening pals about these beauties and as it turns out, most of them don't like eggplant. To each their own, but I LOVE eggplant. You don't have to peel them, you don't have to seed them, you just have to cook them in something to give them some flavor. (They also oxidize in the air faster than apples, so their ultimate cooked appearance isn't exactly the kind of thing you look forward to, but hey, you're just gonna eat it anyway.)

I'm making chicken/eggplant parmesan tonight.

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I've been playing a lot of open mics lately and I like it. It's how I practice. I have real trouble sitting at home playing for the dog. The fact that Brendan goes to school via computer and likes to log on at night gives me time to go out and play, so I'm taking advantage of it.

The Dubliner at 38th St. and Thunderbird has a great Sunday night open mic that I've been attending for the past few weeks. The talent is really good and the audience is pretty responsive.

Other open mics I've been known to inhabit recently are:

Tuseday nights at the Codfather, 16th st. and Bell;
The Cornerstone at Dysart and T-bird on Wednesdays;
Thursdays at the Final Round and It's a Grind in Tempe (not so much since the gas hikes, but maybe more often now that gas is getting cheaper)
And others as I find them.

My next actual gig is this coming Saturday the 20th at Club Mardi Gras, 80th St. and McDowell, as part of a comedy show. More later on this.

TT

2008-12-11T22:30:00.000-08:00

NOW THIS IS FUNNY.

"Prop 8 - The Musical" starring Jack Black, John C. Reilly, and many more... by Jack Black

And so true! Thank you, JESUS! Can I get an AMEN!!!

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Tomorrow night, nine O'clock, Seven Minutes under the Mistletoe at Space 55, 636 E. Pierce! I'm on first! Don't be late!
Show up! Support art and all that drivel!

TT

2008-12-09T08:02:00.000-08:00

HMMMM...I GUESS TIME DOES HEAL ALL WOUNDS

...except for the ones that kill you, of course.

I just realized this morning that I went all day yesterday, December 8, without once thinking about John Lennon (who was shot and killed 28 years ago -- yikes! -- on a Monday yet).

I think that's the first time I've ever done that.

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Back in September I posted a list on this blog of my top 10 downloaded songs on iTunes. At the time, they looked like this:

First House
Christmas In Arizona
P.O.P.
That Fiddle and Banjo Crap
Baby Boomer
A Piercing Song
Little Star Treks
Catch Phrases
Clerical Error
Sun City Sinners

Now, 90 days or so later, with Christmas coming on, the list looks like this (I'm sure you can see #1 coming):

Christmas in Arizona
A Piercing Song
Baby Boomer
P.O.P.
That Fiddle and Banjo Crap
Everybody Wanna (Sound Like Nirvana)
Little Star Treks
Catch Phrases
First House
Clerical Error

Interesting "A Piercing Song" being up there. I musta poked something in the general public's mind...

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THIS FRIDAY:

Show up at Studio 55, 636 E. Pierce at 9 p.m. for "Seven Minutes Under the Mistletoe!" Ten people get seven minutes to take Christmas to task. I will be there. I"m opening the show.

Then, I'm your faithful volunteer at Fiddler's Dream on Saturday Night! It's going to be a holiday song night, with The Strand opening things and Nancy Freeman closing with her ever-unique holiday program. (I'm going to be part of that, so come on by!)

TT

2008-12-05T17:05:00.000-08:00

18 YEARS AND COUNTING

On December 5, 1990, I was sitting at work waiting for the phone call, and I got it.

"My water broke, this is it! Meet me at the hospital!"

Kid number 2 was on the way. We knew it was a boy, the result of an ultrasound some months earlier. (All ultrasound babies look like Broderick Crawford.)

Like our first, he was HUGE. HUGER, even. So like our first he was a C-section.

He was also not well. At 11 pounds 4, his lungs weren't big enough to support his weight.

He spent a few weeks in the ICU and we waited, visited and laughed at his already odd stubborness.

If they put a cap on him in the incubator, he took it off. If they stuck a tube in his nose, he pulled it out.

They finally had to restrain his hands because he was defeating the purpose.

He got to come home a day or two before Chanukah that year. Still working on using his lungs, Brendan would frequently let out an audible gasp in the hospital that sounded like "Hiiiiii!" So we'd say "hi" back.

We got him home (after stopping by my dad's office to show him that Brendan had been sprung from stir) and a few minutes later Jan's mom Marilyn showed up to see him. He was sitting in a baby rocker in the middle of the living room. Marilyn leaned in, and said "Hi, Brendan!" And Brendan said, "HiiiiII!"

She damn near fainted. (We hadn't told her about the "hi" thing yet.)

Well, Brendan's been surprising us ever since. I'm not going to say that the last 18 years have been easy, for him or us, but we've raised one hell of an 18-year-old. He's never stopped being rebellious. We had to take him out of daycare when he was three after we were told he kept asking the teacher to "tell those babies to shut up." (He will NOT be having kids.) He has ADD that he will probably have to deal with for the rest of his life. On the plus side, he's never been in trouble. He has a sense of humor uniquely different but just as sharp as his brother, his mother and myself. He drives better than I do. He attends high school by computer now, and is hell bent to get his diploma and kiss the educational system goodbye. He's getting better grades than I ever did. We love him to death.

Happy birthday, dude.

Dad

2008-12-04T10:40:00.001-08:00

HARD TO BELIEVE IT'S BEEN 15 YEARS

Frank Zappa
December 21, 1940 - December 4, 1993

As usual, the zappa.com website is burning a memorial candle and playing what is probably Zappa's most memorable guitar solo, the amazingly awesome "Watermelon in Easter Hay" from "Joe's Garage." If you're reading this TODAY, go there and check it out.

TT

2008-12-02T10:59:00.000-08:00

MY WONDERFUL WIT OF A WIFE

If you're one of the people who reads this blog who has never met my wife Janice, or if you are someone who has only met her once, your first impression of her may well be:
"S'matter with her? Doesn't she talk?"

For lots of reasons that would take too long to go into here (and which are really none of your business), Jan takes a while to warm up to people.

Usually.

But there are times, when the time is right, when things just need to be commented on, that Janice, in a fit of inspiration, will crack a joke or make a comment to complete strangers that basically makes everybody's day.

Case in point:

On most Friday nights, if you don't drink, you have two things you can do in Phoenix: Go to a book store, or go to an adult bookstore.

Usually, we opt for a bookstore. Borders is open until 11 and they don't bother you if you read an entire book without buying it.

However, every so often we will decide we need a laugh, so we will go to one of the local adult boutiques, as they call them, either a nearby Fascinations or their main competitor, the Castle Boutique. A couple of Fridays ago we opted on the Castle location about walking distance from our house. (We drove, though.) We both get a kick out of adult stores, because face it, it's fun to look at all the crazy ways one can devise to get one's, and one's significant others, rocks off. These stores are very brightly lit and clean and couples go there like you would if you were going to Walgreens or something. Nobody's embarrassed and the help is usually MORE THAN HAPPY to explain some of the odder merchandise available there if you so want to know.

Some of these contraptions are extremely ingenious and definitely worth laughing about.

Anyway, back to the story. So we're in the Castle where, like many other stores, the onslaught of November means a non-stop Muzak invasion of Christmas songs. At the Castle Boutique that night, the mix was your typical collection of oversung religious and secular winter faves. Which eventually struck Janice as funny.

Religious songs in an adult bookstore?

The Castle has a "demonstrator vibrator" wall, where you can try out (on your hand, silly) literally about 100 different vibrators, dildoes, anal stimulators, g-spot massagers, etc. etc. etc. So there we are, at the wall, looking at some of the more ridiculous ones, when Jan notices a woman holding a particularly "useful" device in her hand. The music playing at this point is a rather solemn version of "Oh, Holy Night."

So Jan turns to the woman and says, "Isn't this what Christmas is really all about? Listening to music celebrating "The Birth of Our LORD," as they say, while we examine a Rotating Purple Latex Clit Stimulator with G-Spot Massager?"

The lady laughed and then agreed yeah, that is sort of weird. Then we started postulating that SOME holiday music would be fine for an adult store. The SECULAR stuff, the FUNNY stuff, great. but WWJI (What Would Jesus Insert) is probably not where you want to go if you're into the more religious aspects of the season.

(By the way, the lady bought the vibrator.)

------

Janice has a very unique way of expressing herself sometimes. A while back we ate dinner at an Italian restaurant where we were asked if we'd like to have an after-dinner drink. The waiter suggested the limoncello. I have since learned that this concoction is actually nothing more than 100% alcohol with lemons in it.

We were brought two shot glasses of this drink and were told on no uncertain terms by the waiter that we were to SIP IT. DO NOT CHUG UNDER PENALTY OF RALPH. So we sipped. It was REALLY GOOD.

Now, you have to understand that since we drink maybe 10 alcoholic beverages per decade COMBINED, we're both a bit easy to intoxicate. Jan is REALLY easy to intoxicate. She REALLY liked the limoncello. She described it as such: "Goes down like velvet, then hits you like a brick." I had eaten enough food and took enough time sipping my drink that I only had to sit in the parking lot for about 10 minutes to make sure my faculties were there before heading home. (It had a delayed effect on me; I fell asleep almost instantly when I got home.) Jan needed help getting to the car. All the way home, she kept pantomiming like she'd just been hit in the head by a brick. It was pretty funny.)

So now, whenever we see limoncello in a store, she'll say, "Look! A bottle of Velvet Brick!"

I'd buy her a bottle but like most booze in our house, it would sit there for ten years before we even opened it. (I'm not kidding. I have a bottle of Southern Comfort in the house somewhere and I don't even know where it is. I bought it like five years ago to use an ounce of it for a recipe. )

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Just got asked by the producers of the previously successful "Seven Minutes in Hell" if I would like to participate in "Seven Minutes of Christmas" at Space 55 on December 12 and I said yes. More on that in a week or so. Mark your calendars.

TT

2008-11-30T14:46:00.000-08:00

IT'S CHRISTMAS IN ARIZONA...AND IT SUCKS.

Some of you people get snow. We have to settle for light displays.

Last night we went out to Glendale Park for their annual Glendale Glitters light show. After doing this for several years in a row now, I realize why these things exist:

State Fair vendors need to have something to do when the State Fair is over.

There were, however, lots of lights and live entertainment.
as you can see.

TT

2008-11-26T08:28:00.000-08:00

MYSTERY SOLVED

Very few of you will find this even REMOTELY as interesting as I do, but if you play the guitar and you like the Beatles, this article is fascinating. It answers something I always wondered about (although I always contended it was Fadd9, and as it turns out I was kinda right):

http://everything2.com/e2node/The%2520%2522A%2520Hard%2520Day%2527s%2520Night%2522%2520Chord%2520-%2520Rock%2527s%2520Holy%2520Grail

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It is raining. Something to be thankful for the day before Thanksgiving.

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In the last couple of days, it seems like everyone I know has suddenly discovered Facebook. Everybody seems hell-bent on getting their faces on every conceivable thing: Myspace, facebook, twitter, nitter, spitter, shitter, whatever.

Think of all the things available to us now -- not ALL great or necessary -- that we didn't have even 20 years ago. This is why I wish you could bring people back from the past -- just to show them what their bright ideas ultimately wrought.

Da Vinci deserves to see the helicopter. Jules Verne and H. G. Wells deserve to see the Space Shuttle -- hell, even RIDE in it.

John Lennon should have lived long enough to hear Nirvana. (Think about it. There is not much space between Lennon's plaintive "Mother" and Cobain's "Smells Like Teen Spirit." )

And I wish every son of a bitch who ever even CONSIDERED lynching a person over the color of their skin could be dragged out of their graves to see who our next president is.

That would be something.

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Happy Thanksgiving, or as an old friend of mine up in Oregon is fond of saying: "EAT DEAD BIRD!"

TT

2008-11-21T22:33:00.000-08:00

SUICIDE IS PAINLESS...AND SOMETIMES UNINTENTIONALLY HILARIOUS

Sometimes, programmers don't pay attention to what they're doing.

Right now, at AOL.com, in their little list of news teasers, is a headline:

"College Student Commits Suicide Live on Webcam"

Unfortunately, at the moment, this is not linked to the correct article. When you click the link, the headline you see -- and I am NOT making this up -- is:

"Remains Identified as Copernicus"

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Since Janice reads books at the speed of light, some months ago she polished off the entire "Twilight Series" of vampire books in about 20 minutes in a Borders near our house. (She didn't finish the last one; she dismissed it as "even shittier than the first three.")

Nevertheless she was interested in seeing the movie that came out today, so we caught a matinee of "Twilight" with a bunch of women older than we were.

Knowing nothing about the book, I can say it's the most expensive made-for-TV movie I've ever seen. Except it wasn't on TV. It was in a movie theater.

By the way, if you live in -- or you have ever been to -- the Pacific Northwest and you see this movie, you're going to notice the biggest scenery assumption of all time. Please don't ask me to set this up, but take my word for it. There's a baseball game scene in this movie that's supposed to take place in Washington state. It is played directly in front of Multnomah Falls in the Columbia River Gorge.

Which of course, is in Oregon. The director, I guess, assumed that most people wouldn't notice.

Girl meets boy. Boy meets girl. Boy is vampire. Girl isn't. Girl also isn't interesting. Neither is boy.

Movie would be better if SOMETHING ACTUALLY HAPPENED. This is the first vampire movie I've ever seen where I wasn't scared even once.

All vampire movies fall apart at some point, and they're usually pretty bad. But if I had to be locked in a room in hell for eternity and I had to watch one vampire movie over and over, it would be "The Hunger," for two reasons:

1.: Catherine Deneuve and Susan Sarandon have sex with each other, and appear to be enjoying it. I know I did.

2.: David Bowie plays a blood-starved vampire who kills a victim ( a violin student who's come over for lessons) in one of the coldest, most desperate and disturbing scenes I think I've ever seen.

If the whole movie was as good as those two scenes, we'd all have seen it by now.

If you do Netflix it, just be warned -- it falls apart. I used to know a guy who was a vampire movie expert. After I watched "The Hunger," I called to complain about what a train wreck it was and he said, "If you'd have called me BEFORE you watched it I could have saved you two valuable hours. But isn't that sex scene great?"

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My garden is finally emitting vegetables.

A couple days ago one of the nifty softball-sized white and purple eggplants I was growing was ready to be picked. So I did. Then last night I chopped it up, put it in a pan with some onions and olive oil and, as Andy Griffith is fond of saying about Ritz crackers, Mmmmmmmm...MM! Good Eggplant.

I have Japanese cabbage about a week away from harvesting and collards for the lizard about two weeks away. And radishes. ALWAYS radishes. You can THINK about radish seeds and somewhere a radish will pop up. They're easy.

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Tonight (Saturday , since it's late Friday and none of you will read this until it is, indeed Saturday) I am playing as part of a comedy show called "The Dirty Show" at Club Mardi Gras, 8040 E. McDowell. Please come out and support me and it. I get paid for this one and the more people who show up, the more I get! And right now I need it!

TT

2008-11-16T17:28:00.000-08:00

PAUL MCCARTNEY MUST REALLY NEED THE MONEY...

Word has it that Sir Paul is lobbying Ringo and the wives of the other two Beatles for permission to pad their coffers even more with the release of "Electric Carnival," a 14-minute piece of avant-garde music put together by the Beatles for an electric music presentation around 1967. It was only played once.

Avant-garde music is nothing new to McCartney. Working with London DJ Youth, he has put out two albums of ambient experimental music under the name "The Fireman," with a third due at the end of the month.

But I have a feeling this has a LOT to do with his recent separation from half of his money...

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The New Times printed some pix of me online nine months ago and I didn't even know it until I found them by mistake today...

These are from a gig I played on Valentine's day.

Next up: Club Mardi Gras this coming Saturday!

TT

2008-11-13T12:48:00.001-08:00

IT'S OFFICIAL: WE'RE GETTING OLD

With the recent passing of Jimmy Carl Black, and then the passing this week of both Miriam Makeba and Mitch Mitchell of the Jimi Hendrix experience, I think it's safe enough to officially say that, as boomers, we have reached a milestone.

The people we grew up listening to have stopped dying of road diseases, like drug O.D.s, sexual misadventures and alcohol.

They are now passing from our midst due to old-people complications: diabetes, cancer, heart attacks, the ever-nebulous "natural causes" and even Alzheimer's.

I often wondered how long it would take before the latter way to go -- through no fault of one's own -- would outnumber the no-holds-barred, sex drugs and rock and roll way.

At least Makeba went as she predicted she would -- singing. And Mitchell died shortly after playing a show.

The last 60s icon to go from misadventure would have to be Bobby Hatfield of the Righteous Brothers, who o.d.'d in '03 on cocaine at age 63.

Yet Keith Richards rocks on! How do you explain that?

------

If Mitch Mitchell's death proves anything, it's this: Open for the Monkees and you won't live very long.

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I don't have another gig until the 22nd. Long sigh of relief...

TT

2008-11-12T14:54:00.000-08:00

NOW THIS IS TALENT...

My friend Chuck Sigars had this on his blog, and while I wholeheartedly recommend you read his blog EVERY DAY (www.chucksigars.com), I got the you tube addy for this to present to you here. I don't have any idea who this is but it's brilliant and it probably took a couple takes.

TT

2008-11-11T23:05:00.000-08:00

HOLY HARVEY, BATMAN!

Tonight's gig at the Trunk Space was a real trip. I had a great audience who laughed, clapped and sang along with my stuff. And you could add all of their ages up and they probably wouldn't add up to mine.

A great guitar/banjo/autoharp duet called Starlings played first. I followed, and then the Guest of Honor for the night, Harvey Sid Fisher, played next, backed by local band Haunted Cologne.

Then up came the amazing -- and amazingly talented -- Cockalorum from Tucson, who all played in costume. To wit:

The drummer was dressed like Gandalf. I tried to upload his photo but it won't take.

The band even brought its own dance team. First, there was this brightly dressed superhero fellow (whose name escapes me, sorry)...

...and the delightful Hayley, who aside from being a very pleasant conversationalist, is quite definitely in the running for "Cutest Person on the Planet..."

TT

2008-11-10T06:03:00.000-08:00

I CAN'T STRESS IT ENOUGH...

I'm opening for this guy at the Trunk Space tomorrow night. SHOW UP -- This should be interesting.

A little about Harvey (off his website):

Thanks to a nationwide network of oddity collectors, some underground records and videos have practically become urban folklore--the infamous Troggs session bootleg, for example, or the Tube Bar tapes of prank calls. Add to this list a flabbergasting LP called Astrology Songs, recorded about a decade ago by a macrobiotic California golfer named Harvey Sid Fisher.

The one word that aptly describes Astrology Songs is "unforgettable." To cash in on the astrology craze of the mid-1980s, Fisher wrote songs for every sign in the Zodiac and decided to warble them himself. The idea sounds crass enough to sell, especially to Californians. The album is a whole other story. On record, over backing tracks suitable for karaoke, Fisher resembles nothing so much as the lounge singer Bill Murray used to play on Saturday Night Live, socking across his swingin' tunes with the infernal perkiness of a cruise director.

Fisher's belief in the power of the stars may be questionable, but there's no doubting his sincerity on record, baby. "I am, I am, I am the Ram," belts the singer in solidarity with Aries. The showstopper, though, is Fisher's paean to Taurus the bull, whom he commemorates with a chipper, "Talkin' 'bout the bully-bull-bull!" When videos for the songs began airing in 1989 on public-access TV in Los Angeles, Astrology Songs became a cult sensation. Fisher's tapes even turned up on Comedy Central's The Daily Show, thus cementing his notoriety.

The show goes on promptly at 8 with the group Starlings. My buddies in Haunted Cologne will follow, then me at about 8:30, then Harvey. You'll be on your way home by 9:30 tops, unless you want to hang around for the post-show band, Cockalorum.

Admission is $6. The Trunk Space is on Grand, just north of the 15th Ave/Grand/Roosevelt traffic light. Show up, show up, show up!

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I played two gigs on Saturday night, one on both sides of the Valley. Lots of people but only one person I actually knew.

Where the heck are you people?

You really shoulda been at the Big Fish. You missed an ACT. I had the unenviable task of following a band called The Spider Hole. These guys are the real deal. I guess the best way to describe them is theatrical horror-rock. They know exactly what they're doing and they're VERY, VERY good. Their lead singer hops around the stage like a cross between Alice Cooper and Dwight Frye. Hilarious!

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It rained HARD here yesterday afternoon. Hail, even. It's the first time it's rained here in months, causing my son to say: "Obama was right! CHANGE!"

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Joke from my friend Pete: A minister, a priest, a rabbi, a horse, a dog and a duck walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "GET THE HELL OUTA HERE!"

TT

2008-11-06T15:42:00.001-08:00

WOW! SECOND BILLING!

In this week's New Times (at least on line; haven't seen the paper yet):

http://www.phoenixnewtimes.com/events/search/?date=2008-11-11

And here's the poster:

But WAIT: Before then, I have TWO gigs this Saturday:

Grand Avenue Tavern at 7 and this one at 11:30 -- Yay! Another poster!

These are both desperate attempts by me to get more people to show up for my gigs. Especially in bars. Even though Trunk Space isn't a bar...

Come see me sometime in the next week!

TT

2008-11-05T06:12:00.000-08:00

OBAMA MAKES HISTORY; RUCKUS HIDES MORE IMPORTANT DEVELOPMENTS

While we were all watching history last night, we were obviously not told about one of the truly IMPORTANT developments taking place around the country:

Greyhound racing is now a crime in Massachusetts.

That's right: in 2010 you will no longer be able to put $2.00 on Fido in the fifth in our country's first settlement.
However, you WILL be able to smoke marijuana.

Yep, they decriminalized pot, but made dog racing illegal.

Were these people STONED?

Meanwhile, people here in AZ were smart enough NOT to adopt a referendum that would have made no-shows at voting booths equivalent to a "No" vote.

However, we somehow decided it was necessary to outlaw gay marriage in Arizona, even though it's ALREADY ILLEGAL HERE.

What's next -- a referendum to outlaw robbery -- AGAIN?

Last night I told my wife that I think it would be fun to try and get a proposition on the ballot that's so trickily worded that it sounds like the best thing since sliced bread, but actually succeeds in prohibiting people from doing something vital; like prohibiting the use of public restrooms for defecating and urinating, but at the same time allowing live music. Or a referendum that prohibits churches from being used as houses of worship, but allows them to sell liquor without a license.

And I bet people would actually vote for it...

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I went to an open mic last night and when I came home (listening to McCain's concession speech on the radio) I walked in to find our hedge clippers predominantly displayed on the top of our iguana cage. Janice had put them there. When I asked about it, she said:

"The Bushes have officially been PRUNED!"

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We saw history last night, people. Didn't that make you feel GOOD?

Didn't you wish that Dr. King, Jackie Robinson, Rosa Parks and -- as my wife pointed out -- Abraham Lincoln -- could have been brought back just to see this?

TT

2008-11-04T06:27:00.000-08:00

THE NERVE OF THOSE GUYS, PICKING ON CRUELLA DE VIL LIKE THAT...

Cindy McCain Claims Sheâ��s â��Just Like Any Other Female Humanâ��

Once you watch this, watch it again, but read the crawl at the bottom.

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I was having lunch with a friend the other day and he brought up an interesting hypothetical question:

Say, for a minute, that McCain wins. He's so excited that at the celebration party, he develops an aneurysm and his brain explodes. He dies. What chance does Sarah Palin have of being named the next President by the electoral college? They can literally name anybody they want.

Even YOU.

Ewwwww.......

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If you haven't already voted, and you're not planning on voting today, THERE IS SOMETHING SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH YOU. How could you not want to be part of history?

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I saw Hilary Clinton this morning at the polls in NY. She looks weather beaten. Just RUNNING for president takes a lot out of you, I guess.

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Go, Al Franken!

TT

2008-11-03T08:52:00.000-08:00

THE INDIAN OF THE GROUP HEADS FOR THAT BIG BAND IN THE SKY

JIMMY CARL BLACK 1938 - 2008

Those of you who are Zappa fans like me know all about JCB.

He was the drummer in a bar band called the Soul Giants in the early 60s when they needed a guitar player. The guy who answered the call was a rather entrepreneurial and independent soul named Frank Zappa. Zappa persuaded the band that they needed to stop playing "Louie Louie" and "Wooly Bully" and play original stuff -- HIS stuff.

The rest is history. Black was Zappa's drummer in the Mothers of Invention from 1966 to 1970. He was known for his odd sense of humor, his great love of beer, and two expressions that became part of Zappa lore: "Hi, boys and girls, I'm Jimmy Carl Black and I'm the Indian of the Group" and "When are we gonna get paid?"

After leaving the mothers, he continued to work with Zappa occasionally; theirs was a real love-hate relationship. He played Lonesome Cowboy Burt in Zappa's movie "200 Motels," and then, about 10 years later, appeared on Zappa's "You Are What You Is" album, singing the hilarious tune, "Harder Than Your Husband."

In later years, he toured extensively with the Grandmothers, a touring band of former Mothers of Invention whose membership changed pretty much with every tour. Earlier in the decade, he contracted leukemia. He beat it, but later picked up a case of lung cancer, which is what took him on Sunday.

I met Jimmy Carl in 2000 along with fellow Grandmothers Don Preston and Bunk Gardner at the Rhythm Room. He was as funny and genuine as I'd been told he was, and of course, after the show I was one of many to buy him a beer.

Black married a German woman and moved to Germany shortly after Bush II was elected. He swore he'd never come back to the US while Bush was in power and I don't believe he ever did (I could be wrong about that).

Black released quite a lot of music on his own; I'm putting together a tribute show for my "Zappa Universe Program" that will hopefully air soon.

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Speaking of gigs, and when am I going to get paid, this Saturday I have TWO gigs! I'll be at the Grand Avenue Tavern at 7 p.m., and then I'll be in Tempe at the Big Fish Pub at ll:30! Come see me!

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If you haven't already voted (like me), and you don't go out and vote tomorrow, you are hereby FORBIDDEN to discuss how bad/good/indifferent things are under the new regime until four years from now and you actually go out and VOTE. So VOTE.

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I can recite all of the presidents in order. Can you? This upcoming administration will be the 11th of my lifetime (Ike, JFK, LBJ, Tricky, Jerry, Jimmy, Ronnie, King George I, Clinton, King George II and whoever wins tomorrow). My dad's dad lived to see the administrations of Cleveland (the second time, he was born in the election year of 1896) through Carter. That's 16 presidents!
Zowie.

TT

2008-10-30T07:52:00.000-07:00

I'M VOTING THE McFEELY TICKET

Just because Fred Rogers is gone doesn't mean the neighborhood's gone to pot. They have modern voting machines and a much better choice of candidates. Neighborhood of Make-Believe, indeed!

My question is, what kid of today is going to have the slightest idea who Mr. McFeely is? I wonder what show this ran on.

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This Saturday I will be hosting the first open stage to be attempted at the Music Corner, a Fiddler's Dream - style music showcase at Shepherd of the Valley Lutheran Church, 15th Avenue and Maryland. We will have a special featured act: Four Shillings Short! These two are an amazing act and you should come by to listen/play a set!

If I had to describe their music in one phrase, I couldn't. Maybe "Clannad meets Ravi Shankar."

I first met them about 6-8 years ago and became an immediate fan. They were nice enough to sing one of my songs in their shows for awhile ("I'm Posting the Ten Commandments"), and you won't find a more entertaining and spirited couple than Aodh Og (pronounced AY-ohg) and Christy.

Admission is the ever-popular "whatever you can afford."

Don't miss this! Really!

TT

2008-10-24T08:19:00.000-07:00

VOTE EARLY AND VOTE OFTEN, AND VOTE FOR COOL HAND LUKE

Those of you who live here in the Valley have no doubt seen the signs for voting in three people to the Corporation Commission who are running together:

GEORGE
KENNEDY
NEWMAN

Newman's first name is Paul. Every time I see those signs I think of Cool hand luke.

AND, I think they know it, too. Their TV commercials have a voiceover that says: "Vote for George, Kennedy, and Paul Newman."

And speaking of interesting ways to get you to vote for somebody (I already voted, by the way):

See more Ron Howard videos at Funny or Die

I had no idea Andy Griffith was still alive...

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As many of you know it takes me forever to write new songs. I just wrote one. I should have it ready for public consumption in a few days.

TT

2008-10-17T18:07:00.000-07:00

EITHER YOU GET 'EM, OR YOU DON'T

Here are two jokes. Like it says above...

How can you tell a bad submissive?

Beats me.

What's yellow, wears glasses and sings?

Banana Mouskouri.

Have a nice weekend.

TT

2008-10-14T09:09:00.000-07:00

PICK ME, I'M CLEAN

Yesterday, I had my "You're 50" colonoscopy.

For those of you headed in the same direction to which I have arrived, you will be pleased to know that after dually following the preparation phase and doing exactly what the doctor said, my colon is officially "bendy."

Let's go back to Sunday.

On Sunday, after taking three laxative pills and waiting for the things to work, I then set off on my diet for the day: a gallon of water with a pre-measured helping of something called "GoLyteLy."

Yeah, right. They call it "GoLyteLy" because "Self-Inflicted Liquid Dysentery" didn't do too well in the test market. Everything I'd eaten since the third grade that had stuck to my insides was summarily evicted, with the furniture, within two hours.

So I spent a good portion of Sunday on the toilet, until I'd finished the entire gallon of saltarrhea, and the only thing coming out of me was the last three cups of what I'd put back in.

So I show up at a place on Monday called Surgicenter, a place which I truly believe is used ONLY for colonoscopies. Scores of people were waiting for the opportunity (feh).

I was admitted, administered the usual backless gown, set up with an IV and set in a chair until a unit opened up. Then I was led into a room, I laid on the bed, and they started an anesthetic that they said wouldn't put me completely out, but I probably wouldn't remember anything.

I remember plenty. At first, I really didn't feel anything. But then, as I'm watching the action on the monitor (I'm not kidding -- you get to see what the doctors are seeing) and the camera is getting deeper and deeper, suddenly it kinda sorta HURT LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER.

"Little uncomfortable?" the doctor says. "Sorry about that, but you're really 'bendy.'"

Yeah? And YOU'RE literally a pain in the ass!

He then pulled it out (a lot quicker than it went in) and the pain went away. Good thing I was slightly woozy.

Unfortunately, the anesthesia REALLY kicked in about ten minutes later, after we were done!

I eventually got dressed and Jan drove me home and I slept away Monday afternoon and best of all: I have a clean colon. Bendy, but clean.

I even have pictures. Don't worry, I'll spare you.

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THINGS THE ECONOMY HAS TAUGHT ME:

It actually saves money to shop for different things at different places.

The Asian market near my house has the LOWEST regular price on chicken breasts -- $2.29 a pound. That's at least 2.70 less than Fry's.

Fresh and Easy is a great place to find stuff on clearance pretty much any time of the day at half price. The mini-baguettes are just half a buck on clearance. They freeze well and taste great.

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My fall and winter gigs are piling up. Just added two more today!

TT

2008-10-09T07:28:00.000-07:00

I'VE NEVER BEEN ONE FOR BLONDES, BUT...

...this woman is now my favorite newsreader ever.

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MIssed the debate Tuesday night but watched the replay in the morning. Obama wins again. I think Janice figured out why. As we were watching, she says, "You know who McCain reminds me of? Look how he's standing." She then stooped over a little bit to imitate McCain's posture. Then, she raised her hands to either side of her head and made peace signs with her fingers.

And she was right -- he was pulling a Tricky Dick.

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If you're local, there's a new open mic taking place on Tuesdays from 6-8 p.m. at the Codfather, an English fish and chips place at 16th St. and Bell. The acoustics are remarkable. This is in a trial situation right now to see if it catches on and makes the owner any money. Check it out next Tuesday. (Finally, some competition for Mama Java's on Indian School, an open mic so popular that there's no chance of getting a spot unless you're there two hours before they start.)

However: Please note that everything, so far as I can tell, is deep fried at the Codfather. Even the Guinness, I suspect. When the healthiest looking item at the joint appears to be the fries, you see how you could get into some real health problems if you ate here on a regular basis.

Glenn Torrico is running the open mic and he's doing a great job. This week, Igor Glenn, of Crazy Ed's fame for those of you old enough to remember that feted place (which was situated WAAAAAAAAAAY out of town at 19th Avenue and Deer Valley back when I first saw him play in 1974), showed up with his big bass fiddle and a friend who played the banjo like he was born with it. They were great!

Igor was one of the New Christy Minstrels for awhile, and holds the somewhat dubious honor of being the only three-time winner of the Gong Show. Back when he played at Ed's, he would literally "ride" his bass while playing it. The Crazy Ed's band at the time also included George Rock, who had retired to the Valley after playing with Spike Jones for many years. Rock was the squeaky voiced guy who sang "All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth" and "Ya Wanna Buy a Bunny?"

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I have discovered the joys of chickenshit.

No, really. When I went out a couple weeks ago to re-seed my garden for fall, I laid in a goodly amount of bird turd. I had seedlings popping up within TWO DAYS, when the packages said up to two weeks. Now my garden is positively the shit.

TT

2008-10-05T19:27:00.000-07:00

PRESCOTT -- EVEN WHEN IT RAINS, IT'S NICER THAN HERE

So yesterday I drove up to Prescott for the annual Folk Festival. I am somewhat convinced that I am the only attendee that ONLY goes there for a single day every year. But I get a lot of fun done.

Yesterday, when I wasn't performing, I spent a lot of time jamming with a group of people who included a friend of mine who likes to call himself Lobo (not Kent Lavoie, the "Lobo" of "Me and You and a Dog Named Boo"), and Travis/Atkins-style picker Gary Smith, and Steve Decker, and various other people.

Plus, I got to play my set with Nancy Freeman backing me up, which I always enjoy. We sound good together. Plus, she's been working out a lot, so she's looking really buff, which I'm sure made some people stop and say, "hey, check out that hot woman next to the ugly, screamin' guy!"

PLUS plus, I sold about 100 bucks in CDs and got copies of my CDs to the radio station that had a booth up. They assured me that SOMEBODY could probably play something. Good enough for me!

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Today, I went to our dress rehearsal for:

You really need to see this if you haven't been to one before. It's the last show of the year, and you KNOW you want to.

GET TICKETS NOW. Go to the website on the card there for more information.

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I'm helping a guy write a book. That's all I can tell you right now. More when there's a book.

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I'm helping another person write a book, too. Ditto.

TT

2008-10-01T07:10:00.001-07:00

IT'S LIKE THE FINAL FOUR, I TELL YA...

Ian Scott, a friend of my sons, has been passing this along (click to make it bigger)...

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I attended a new open mic last night at the Codfather, a British fish and chips place. The starting time of 6:00, I thought, would not bring in too many people, but I was wrong. I got there near 7 and there were 15 or so people there to drink beer and eat fish.

Gavan Weiser ordered the large cod, which literally extends over the edges of the paper plate it's served on.
"That's quite a codpiece," he said.

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This Saturday is the Prescott Folk Festival! Come be folky with me on Saturday at noon at the Sharlott Hall Museum! I'm in the main building exhibit hall, and this year, we all get half an hour instead of the 20 minutes they were doing before. Yippee!

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My gigs are piling up for the winter. Check out my schedule at www.myspace.com/tomtuerffmusic

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Back in April, I posted a photo of me and 29 of my ninth-grade classmates standing in front of the Capitol building in Washington, D.C. I encouraged anyone who was Googling themselves to let me know if they found the photo. A few weeks back, somebody did! Laura Hinkle, who was Laura Jenzake back then, and who, like me, was part of a HUGE clarinet section in our school band at the time, checked in and even let me know who one of the mystery people in the shot was. Thanks, Laura!
(If you're wondering what I looked like 35 years ago, click the April 2008 archives over there on the right.)

TT

2008-09-26T23:15:00.000-07:00

A POST-DEBATE OBSERVATION: HEY, JOHN McCAIN!

To paraphrase Robert Klein, get a bigger shovel next time.

Tonight's winner, by an easy margin, Obama.

McCain looked nervous and kept repeating himself. Obama looked confident and added to it by frequently looking directly into the camera to talk to the viewer. McCain didn't do that once.

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ACTUAL E-MAIL I RECEIVED:

"Thank you for your application for the above mentioned posting. We appreciate
the time and effort you devoted in applying for this position.

The entire selection process takes at least 8 weeks. You may hear from us if
you are selected for an interview."

You mean, if you want to talk to me, you may NOT contact me? How will I know? I'm not clairvoyant. I can see you just sitting there, wondering, "where's Tuerff? We TOLD him that we MIGHT call. Or we might not. He should just know he's supposed to be here!"

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I attended the open stage at Fiddler's Dream last night for the first time in a year and a half. It was good. I may do it again soon. I stopped going after I resigned from the Fidd's board after hosting it pretty much non-stop for eight years. It's bigger and more popular than ever, so that's good.

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Before my friend Carrie (see previous posts below) took off for good to Maine, she stopped by the house. Knowing her botany background, I took her out to my mystery garden and asked her to identify some plants that were growing like crazy but I didn't know what they were.

"That's easy," she said, "eggplants."

I wasn't sure because no flowers were a-poppin' on these plants.

Until today.

It's eggplant. BIg ol' purple flowers.

Never doubt a botanist.

TT

2008-09-25T11:12:00.000-07:00

WILL THIS MAKE THE VALUE OF MY AUTOGRAPHS GO UP?

The even spelled my name right! Hell, the fact that they bothered to mention my name at all, given the fact that I have the third smallest set of tits in the show...

http://www.phoenixnewtimes.com/bestof/2008/award/best-local-vaudeville-show-896486/

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I have mentioned previously that my friends Keith and Carrie O'Brien recently moved to Maine. Well, I got a reference call from a dairy in Maine yesterday, inquiring about Carrie, and, moments later, she got the job! Quality control. So both are now firmly employed in Maine. Congrats.

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It's fall, so it's time for fall planting. I put in a row of Japanese Cabbage (this grew really well last fall) and collards for the iguana. Just three days after I planted them, they started coming up. Must be the fertilizer I put in the dirt...

TT

2008-09-22T07:11:00.000-07:00

A BRIEF PAUSE FROM THE USUAL LEVITY TO DO SOMETHING POLITICAL, BUT EASY

I try not to get too into politics here, but my friend, the Rev. Curt Miner, sent me this and I think he has a point. So if you're NOT a Sarah Palin fan, read on...

Hey everybody...

PBS has a poll that asks: Is Sarah Palin qualified to be VP? You don't have to give your name or email address in order to vote. It's very simple. It's something you can do in two clicks - Check this out please, and fast.

The Right is having people vote that Palin is qualified. So far, they are beating us. Quick, please vote, honestly takes 2 seconds. Don't give them poll numbers they can use against us...

Let's turn this around!!!

Here's the link: http://www.pbs.org/now/polls/poll-435.html

Just click & vote. NOW.

Peace ..... REV CURT =)>

We now return you to the usual meaningless patter around here...

TT

2008-09-21T17:58:00.000-07:00

ARE YOU "THE ONE, THE ONLY..." YOU??

Check out this neat site I just found:

http://howmanyofme.com

You can find out if you're the only you in America! Or, if you're not, how many more of you are running around...

Plug in famous names from history! It's fun!

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Played the Grand Avenue Tavern Acoustic Showcase last night. I didn't see ANY of you there but I had a good time and an attentive audience anyway.

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My son just turned me on to a very neat band called "Feist." Go to Youtube and check out their neat video for a song called "1,2,3,4." Then, check out the version their lead singer did for Sesame Street. Very cool. Not as cool as Stevie Wonder on Sesame Street, but...

TT

2008-09-19T00:57:00.000-07:00

ZAPPA THE COMPOSER MEETS ASU, THE WIND ENSEMBLE

I just got back from seeing a concert featuring the ASU Wind Ensemble and the ASU Symphonic Band, who in various incarnations performed six modern compositions from six different composers, five American and one Dutch. It was a fine show and totally free, at Gammage Auditorium.

The show opened with the 25-piece wind ensemble playing FZ's Dog/Meat. For those of you who don't know, this is a medley of two Frank Zappa instrumentals entitled "Uncle Meat" and "Dog Breath (in the Year of the Plague)." They work quite well together, which is why, I presume, FZ fused them together for orchestra.

Since the much larger symphonic band took up the bulk of the stage, the wind ensemble (except for the percussionists) began their performance in the depths of the orchestra pit, and as the first notes of the song were played, the group arose on a pneumatic lift -- dressed to a person like hippies, circa 1968. No tuxes and black dresses here, but wigs, headbands, jeans, sandals and bare feet. Even the conductor wore a t-shirt with a "Rolling Stone" logo on it.

I don't think the old fuddy duddies in the audience "got it," as far as the wardrobe was concerned, but the band played the piece well and got a tumultuous response when it was over.

Instrumentation for the piece included three percussionists, two pianos, a banjo player, an acoustic guitar, harp, three violinists, one cello, and quite a few horns.

The whole show was very enjoyable. It's nice to see that people will come out to hear music that challenges them, as many of the pieces did. (The piece by the Dutch composer, named Andriessen, was especially off-the-wall and intense.)
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After the show I headed down to a Tempe open mic that I hadn't been to in a long time since gas became two million dollars a gallon. Everyone was glad to see me, I cracked everybody up with my set and I had a good time.

What did YOU do Thursday night?

TT

2008-09-17T11:06:00.000-07:00

THE TOM TUERFF TOP TEN ON iTUNES:

First House
Christmas In Arizona
P.O.P.
That Fiddle and Banjo Crap
Baby Boomer
A Piercing Song
Little Star Treks
Catch Phrases
Clerical Error
Sun City Sinners

With the holidays on the way, I expect "Christmas" to make its move back into the number one spot soon...

By the way, I have absolutely no idea how many downloads of each of these we're talking about. I could find out but it would take some time and I don't care.

We're talking maybe scores of downloads. The very low scores. Two, max.

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That said, you're looking at what will pretty much be most of my set at the Grand Avenue Tavern this Saturday at 7. I'm opening the acoustic musician's showcase that night and YOU need to come see it! 24th Avenue and Grand!

TT

2008-09-15T11:37:00.000-07:00

I NORMALLY DON'T BELCH ABOUT POLITICS, BUT...

Open letter to John and Obama: YOU'RE NOT RUNNING FOR DICTATOR. YOU'RE RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT.

YOU will not lower/raise taxes. You will work with Congress and the Senate to lower/raise taxes.

YOU will not improve education. You will work with Congress and the Senate to improve/further fuck up in the guise of improving education.

YOU will not see to it that every man, woman child and dog higher than 16 inches tall has the right to find a good-paying job. You will work with the Congress and Senate to...you get the idea.

The only thing YOU can do is tell the troops to get the f**k out of Dodge. Or Iraq.

Face it: YOU can't do SHIT on your own. For God's sake, one of you say something that makes me want to vote for you.

Let me rephrase that. Mr. Obama, say something -- ANYTHING -- that isn't just a good idea. Explain how you're gonna do it. Explain how you're going to get the House and Senate to buy it. Then I won't feel cornered when I vote for you in November. (I wouldn't vote for McCain if he WERE running for dictator. I know people who know him very well and THEY won't vote for him, either.)

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As I have mentioned before I am a Luddite when it comes to personal technology. I have a Virgin Mobile Phone which I keep in my car basically for emergencies like flat tires and I lost the shopping list, Janice -- what am I supposed to buy?

Anyway, the other day I thought maybe I'd take my cell phone -- which I've had for two years, and which I still have no idea what the phone number is -- and see what else it does. My wife's phone takes pictures (WHAT A STUPID IDEA.), downloads music (DITTO), texts, whatever the fuck that is (JUST CALL ME FER CHRISSAKE) and monitors U.S. missile installations along the west coast.

Once I learned how to access the features button on my Virgin phone (which took me about 30 times of pushing random buttons on the phone, which invariably kept turning it off), I found an option called "features," which had, near the bottom, "Internet." Okay, I can access the internet if I want to. IF I want to pay 15 a month or $1 from my current prepaid balance to try it for 24 hours.

24 hours? I didn't last 24 minutes.

So I get the dollar trial. It pulls up a Google search window. Now there's a problem.My phone has no keyboard. (I've seen those; the keys are the size of rice kernels so they can't possibly be practical.) My phone has (like most real phones in the known UNIVERSE) ten keys, eight with letter combos on them. Apparently this is fine if you can spell everything you need with the first letters on each number: A, D, G, J, M, P, T, W. You can't access any of the other letters.

For example, I decided to Google "Tom Tuerff". So I push the "T" key and sure enough a T appears in the window. So I figure if I pushed it once and got a T, if I push it again I'll get a "U".

I got another T. And another. And another. Great. I can search the word "TTTTTTT."

So apparently I can search Google on my phone as long as I'm only looking for random letters, or intent on discovering all I can about such compelling subjects as "Map," "Pam," Jag, Wat, Tap, Tad, etc.

Even if I could figure out how to do this, it seems to be a colossal waste of time which would be better spent walking or driving to a COMPUTER and LOOKING UP WHAT I WANT.

Do people REALLY type messages to each other with these things? Don't bother doing that with me 'cause I wouldn't know how to access it, much less respond to it. Phones should be for MAKING PHONE CALLS. Period. The end.

I'm gonna go put my phone back in the car where it belongs.

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I'm playing a gig tonight at the Peoria Library Auditorium. The bulk of the people who attend are from retirement communities and I bet they don't even have COMPUTERS. Much less cell phones that send messages and access the internet, which most of them believe to be a high-tech fiber fishing accessory.

7 p.m. Acoustic. Not even any scary amps. Be there.

TT

2008-09-07T16:40:00.000-07:00

CAN IT PLEASE JUST BE ELECTION DAY?

They've only been official candidates for a few days and already I'm sick of both of them.
McCain's acceptance speech the other night was BOOOOORING. Predictable. Ran out of gas. Now all of a sudden, HE's the change candidate?

If I ever run for president, I'm going to pick a platform that nobody else will try to emulate. I'll get a purple tattoo on my nose and become the ONLY Candidate to advocate purple tattoos on your nose. And education.

Some years ago, before he got sick, Frank Zappa toyed with running for president and the Libertarians took him up on it. However, after looking over their platform, they appeared to be too extreme even for FRANK ZAPPA, who at heart could be best described (as one person termed it) a "sensible conservative." An outspoken critic of the Republican party (he actually had to give up a powerful position with the Czech Government because the Reagan White House threatened not to do business with the newly-formed Czech Republic if they worked with Zappa), Frank would have made an interesting candidate. Some years ago on the FZ usenet group, someone posed the question, what would life be like with President Zappa?

I felt the need to chime in. (I realize that what follows is only funny to those of you who know every tiny smidgen of info there is to know about FZ, his family, the scores of musicians who played in the Mothers and FZ's political leanings, but take it from me -- this is VERY FUNNY. Zoogz Rift even said so...)

"Well, for one thing, the word "fuck" would be used in sitcoms and other TV
shows quite liberally, since Frank would have probably said "fuck" on TV so
many times that it would be like saying "Hi!"

He probably wouldn't have changed the gun laws; nobody ever does.

He would have offered Daniel Schorr a cabinet post, or at least press
secretary.

I think he would have discovered a lot that he didn't know about the economy.

We would be doing more business with Eastern Europe.

Vice president Gore (Tipper) would give speeches at charity events with
comments that poked fun at when she and Frank were at odds.

His tours would be shorter.

He would be very trustworthy of certain people in his staff, yet fire people at
will. Interviewing for a job in the White House would be painstaking and hard.
Chief of Staff Kaylan would have his hands full.

Ditto for his appointees to the court: Justice Volman, Justice Colaiuta and
Justice Des Barres.

First Lady Gail Zappa would accidentally popularize the muu-muu as a formal
dress.

Zappa's incessant smoking would make him very popular with the tobacco states.

Smokers would increase "because the President does it!"

White House Balls would be the stuff of legend.

Musical unions wouldn't make any great progress during his term.

He would ultimately get caught pooching Attorney General Ruth Underwood."

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The Schedule for the Prescott Folk Festival (first weekend in October) has been released. I will be playing in the big building at the Sharlott Hall Museum Complex at noon Saturday. BE THERE. Apparently, someone other than the someone else who originally was in charge of putting together the festival this year is now in charge. Many of us were a bit taken aback that the original new person, wanted to make all day Saturday an "Arizona-theme" day, where anyone who wanted to play Saturday had to have Arizona-based songs in their act. No one I talked to liked this idea. And apparently neither did the organizers, who apparently changed the person running it. Near as I can tell.

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Down here in the Valley, it's starting to be nice in the early morning, even though it's still godawful hot in the daytime. But we're getting there.

TT

2008-09-01T16:31:00.000-07:00

NOW, IF HE'D HAVE PICKED MICHAEL PALIN, I MIGHT HAVE VOTED FOR HIM

Okay, let's see if I got this straight: Johnny Mac goes ON AND ON about how Obama has no experience. Then he picks a woman running mate who has about as much experience in government as I DO, a woman who was born two days after the BEATLES showed up on the Sullivan Show, a woman who claims to be an ULTRACONSERVATIVE, but never mind that her unmarried 17 year-old daughter is pregnant and on and on and on...

This is gonna be SUCH a landslide...

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Problem is I'm not sure if I like that. Obama says he's for change but he won't get specfic. As my wife points out, Hitler was for change too. And boy, did things change...

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SONGS EVERYBODY SHOULD PUT ON THEIR IPOD:

"Rip This Joint" by the Rolling Stones. No, I have no f***ing idea what he's singing. That's not the point. You will boogie all over the house. This song will tempt you to drive poorly if you listen to it in your car. I love it!

"All Nite Long" by Ruben and the Jets. Not the Frank Zappa album, but the real band called RATJ.

"Gringo Honeymoon" by Robert Earl Keen. I wish I could write songs like this. But I can't, so I listen to guys who can.

"Banana Republics" by Steve Goodman. Ditto.

"Rats in My Room" by Leona Anderson. Because you gotta have something funny. And this goes beyond funny to just unbelievably bizarre. (And you're reading the words of a guy who has the album "An Evening with Wild Man Fischer" on his iPod.)

The first Santana album. The one with the lion on the cover.

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Fall is coming, and with the coming of fall I am reminded of when I was living in Wisconsin as a kid. As you might imagine, a considerable amount of corn gets grown in Wisconsin -- not only the white and yellow stuff but the weird stuff that you don't really know what to do with it -- "Indian Corn," they call it -- the multicolor stuff.

But you can also get popcorn on the cob, and one year, I remember my dad brought home a whole freaking BOX of this stuff. We popped a few on the grill before it got too cold in the autumn, then the stuff sat in our garage through the winter. Oddly enough, it still popped fine the next year. That's durable popcorn, I guess.

Not sure why I'm writing about this but now I want some popcorn.

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What exactly DO you do with Indian corn, anyway?

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My friend Nancy Freeman got a tattoo the other day -- a black hawk. Not a Blackhawk, although a photorealistic representation of Bobby Hull or Stan Mikita WOULD have been really cool...

Or even the logo, like this guy got:

You can see Nancy's tattoo at http:nimuejohn.livejournal.com/

TT

2008-08-21T20:50:00.000-07:00

MIDWEEK RAMBLINGS

I was having a lot of fun looking at Wikitravel the other day. It's an offshoot of wikipedia and it provided handy traveling tips for pretty much anywhere.

Some of them are just unintentionally funny.

Take Namibia. After an unbelievably glowing review of the country -- relatively safe, good exhange rate, interesting people, you see this:

"Namibia has a serious problem with driving under the influence of alcohol. The problem is aggravated because most people don't consider it a problem."

Oh, so it's like ARIZONA!

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I really like my iPod.

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Somebody recently brought up Casey Stengel in a conversation. Next to Yogi Berra, Casey probably has more wonderful comments attributed to him than anyone else.

For example:

1. The Mets have shown me more ways to lose than I ever knew existed.
2. Mister, that boy couldn’t hit the ground if he fell out of a plane.
3. You have to go broke three times to learn how to make a living.
4. Now there are three things you can do in a baseball game. You can win or lose or it can rain.
5. Can’t anybody here play this game? (observing the hapless Mets that he managed)
6. Never make predictions, especially about the future.
7. Don’t drink in the hotel bar; that’s where I do my drinking.
8. All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.
9. I was not successful as a ballplayer, as it was a game of skill.
10. We are in such a slump that even the one’s that aren’t drinking aren’t hittin’.
11. A shave please, but don’t cut my throat. I may want to do it later myself.
12. The way our luck has been lately, our fellas have been getting hurt on their days off.
13. Bobby Brown reminds me of a fellow who’s been hitting for 12 years and fielding one.
14. If we’re going to win the pennant, we’ve got to start thinking we’re not as good as we think we are.
15. Oldtimers weekends and airplane landings are alike. If you can walk away from them, they’re successful.
16. Look at him. He doesn’t drink, he doesn’t smoke, he doesn’t chew and he doesn’t stay out late – and he still can’t hit.
17. The trouble is not that players have sex the night before a game. It’s that they stay out all night looking for it.
18. See that fella over there? He’s 20 years old. In 20 years, he’s got a chance to be a star. Now that fella over there, he’s 20 years old, too. In 10 years he’s got a chance to be 30.

Among the many great Stengel stories: While managing the Yankees he called outfielder Bob Cerv aside and said:
"Nobody knows this [yet], but one of us has just been traded to Kansas City."

Once while managing the Mets in the early days of the team, he got so fed up with their losing ways that after a typically lopsided loss, he walked into the locker room, held up a baseball and said: "Gentlemen, this is a baseball." Before he could say anything else, one of the Mets players said: "Slow down, coach, you're going too fast."

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Have a nice weekend!

TT

2008-08-14T09:57:00.000-07:00

JUST BECAUSE I'M NICE

I found this wonderful performance on YouTube. It's from the Rolling Stones video "Rock and Roll Circus," which for some stupid reason I've never purchased on DVD (although I have it on VHS and CD).

Ladies and Gentlemen: The Rolling Cream Beatles Experience!

In case you don't recognize everybody, John Lennon is getting down with Mr. Eric Clapton on the guitar, Keith Richards on bass (yes, BASS -- not a bad bass player, either) and Mitch Mitchell from the Jimi Hendrix Experience on drums.

You should find/rent/buy this little musical oddity because the whole thing is REALLY GOOD. Even the part with Yoko and a fiddle player.

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Over at Archive.org you can download the original 1912 version of "I'm Henery the 8th, I Am," by an English music hall singer named Harry Champion. It's neat, and as you'll find out, the second verse is NOT the same as the first...or the third...

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I've always found it interesting how songs that last are frequently only remembered for part of the song -- usually the chorus.
Think about it: Take Me Out To The Ball Game, "I'm Henery...." Wait Till the Sun Shines, Nellie, etc. etc. I think part of that might be attributable to the use of partial songs in Warner Brothers cartoons, as that's all we boomers know because that's how we found out about a lot of them in the first place.

I wonder what songs of today are most likely to get the "shortened" treatment?

"Alice's Restaurant," for sure.

"Yesterday." Most people only know the first verse of this song already.

Others?

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My friends Keith and Carrie O'Brien are in the process of moving to Maine. We will miss them, but yesterday Keith sent me this picture of the house they're renting and I'm already jealous of the new locale, as we swelter in 100-plus heat...

Good luck, you two. Expect visitors...

TT

2008-08-11T12:06:00.000-07:00

PAST WEEKEND MUSINGS

First Bernie Mac, then Isaac Hayes. I see where they were both working on a movie with Samuel L. Jackson. Think HE went to the doctor today?

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That Olympic men's swimming relay race last night was one of the best TV moments I've ever seen.

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COOLEST, MOST BIZARRE STORE IN PHOENIX:

Root Seller Gallery and Apothecary. 16th St. and Indian School near the Goodwill. It's connected to Antique Marketplace next door. A one-of-a-kind amalgam of: Incense, oils, new age CDs, valuable antiques, gay porn, bondage gear, wiccan accessories, Christian artifacts and bibles, kinky boots and drag gear. You will definitely NOT be bored. We were there for an hour.

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GOOD CHEAP GREEK EATS: Crave Cafe and Lounge, between the Valley Art Theatre and the underground piano bar on Mill Avenue in Tempe. Incredible food and you can fill up for damn near nuthin.' The hummus was a surprise (deep fried pita triangles!), and the souvlaki sauce may have something in it other than garlic, but I don't think so. Yummmmmm......

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I'm playing at the Grand Avenue Tavern this evening at 8 p.m., once again opening for the Comedy Contest. I get 30-40 minutes, the contestants get five. I win!

TT